Dear Brent,
A few weeks ago I was diagnosed HIV-positive. It was a total shock. My doctor spent a lot of time discussing the science behind the virus, the medications, and that it wasn’t a big deal anymore since it is manageable and considered a chronic disease. I know I can live out a normal life taking medications, but inside I’m experiencing so many intense emotions, sometimes many of them all at once. I’m most concerned about how HIV will affect me socially, with friends and family, but also with current and future sexual partners. Can you help me feel better about this?
Some of the most important people in my life are HIV-positive. I would love to tell you that having HIV isn’t a big deal, but for many people it is a huge deal. There are tons of issues and concerns around disclosing your status to others, potential rejection because of it, and how to live your life after being aware of your status. There are most likely going to be times where your emotions are completely wacked-out. There is nothing unusual about feeling these and the more you try to push them down, the longer it will take to deal with them. Don’t waste energy fighting them off.
I’m not confident that there is a perfect way or timeframe to tell someone that you are HIV-positive, but I do feel that people absolutely need support throughout the process of coming to grips with the diagnosis. Don’t feel pressured to come screaming out of the closet about your status, identify key people in your life who can offer love, support, knowledge, direction, feedback, a hot meal, or a huge hug. Having a core group of amazing people can be a significant ally.
Although it can be uncomfortable to discuss your HIV status with supportive people in your life, bringing it up with a sexual partner can be terrifying. Fear of rejection and judgment causes tons of anxiety. Regardless of potential hurt, I feel that it is important for both parties to discuss what you are going to do to each other and what levels of risk each of you is willing to take. Lying about your status only serves to deceive your naked partner and keep you in a place of shame about your diagnosis. You can develop a certain power in accepting that you have a virus that has impacted your life and choosing to with strength and integrity regardless of it.
Some people choose to lie about their status or not disclose it until later in a relationship after trust and attraction have been developed. Others feel it’s better to get it out in the open before spending time and energy developing a relationship that could end when they do disclose. Being rejected by someone can be difficult regardless of the reason, and hopefully it comes without anger, hurtful words or discrimination. That won’t always be the case. There will be times where rejection bites you in the ass, but lick your wounds and move on.
Even though this can be a difficult time emotionally, it is also important to learn as much as possible about HIV treatment options, transmission methods, and ways to keep yourself as healthy for as long as possible. As others have said, HIV is a life-changer, not a life-ender. Although this is something that you will need to live with someone develops a cure, your life can be full of enjoyment, passion, new experiences, personal expansion and love. Don’t let a virus define you or dictate your life direction.
