Dating hasn’t changed much since high school

Women’s laughter, clinking glasses  and a cacophony of conversations fill the air. The sounds of a good time are the first thing to hit you when walking into an event like the Hip Chick’s Out monthly second Friday at the Living Room.

There are women everywhere. The booths to the right are filled, and the women facing the entrance to the bar are skilled at their periodical peeks, leaning out of the booth to keep an eye on the ladies streaming through the front doors.

Women are getting cozy with one another and settling in for a chat fest. They are lounging on sofas, straddling barstools and coming from all directions to mingle over cocktails.

Because I spend a great deal of time socializing in lesbianland, I often witness scenes like this. More recently, I have begun to take notice of the specific mating rituals lesbians have. Honestly, it has begun to feel more and more like I am back in high school. There are various social circles, few of which overlap.

Navigating the waters of can be tricky. Yet the groups are the same as they were in high school.

There are jocks, cheerleaders, brainiacs, the creative types, the mean girls – the list goes on.

I was never the type to settle on one specific clique. I’ve always wanted to know as many people as possible. That is one thing that hasn’t changed since high school.

Yet, the pool of participants in this social experiment is larger than in high school and the categories have sub-sets. They fall along age groups, socio-economic status or involvement in athletics. And at the monthly mixers like Hip Chicks Out, you get to see them all in one room, gathering in various groups.

Although it may be comforting to stay in your circle, you have to find a way to break free if you’re looking to meet people .

There are, generally speaking, three places where someone may break away to engage in conversation with someone outside their clique: the line at the bar, the line for the bathroom or outside having a cigarette. These little interludes of meeting zones are a lesbian’s version of speed dating.

The exchanges are pretty predictable. One gal tries her luck and strikes up a conversation with a woman she finds attractive. It is generally a basic conversation starter. The woman on the receiving end may smile, and then one of them says something funny.  (This is when it gets interesting). If the “funny” one has hit just the right note, the laughing one leans in, touches her arm or makes some sort of indication that she’s interested.

If the connection isn’t quite right, one of the gals involved will look around for a distraction, like including another person in line into the conversation. Both women continue on to the bathroom, order their drink or finish their cigarette and return to their original circle.
This scenario acts as a sort of dance that happens hundreds of times in any given social setting involving groups of lesbians.

Steven Petrow’s book Complete Gay and Lesbian Manners has an entire chapter dedicated to dating. It starts out with where to find someone to date.  But it also covers a big issue that I think people often forget about: The art of flirting.

There are so many questions being addressed like: “How do I know when someone’s flirting with me?” or “What does flirting look like?”
The chapter I found most interesting was the differences in dating rituals between gay men and lesbians. Supposedly it is standard that gay men flirt by making eye contact. Yet when a lesbian is interested, she often shies away and avoids full eye contact.

Yet have any of us ever really been taught the art of flirting?

In high school no one taught me how to pick up girls. And, don’t forget the internal monologue that consumes your mind during a conversation with a woman you find attractive.

The constant incessant chattering of our brains bombards us with questions: “Do I sound stupid?” “Why did I say that?” “How do I look?” “I really should have worn something different!” “I wonder what she’s thinking?”

But I promise you, the hottest chick in the room is also running a commentary like this in her head.

Sadly, it sometimes seems as though we haven’t fully grown out of our high school behaviors.

On any given Hip Chicks Out night it feels like living in a lesbian John Hughes film. It takes great courage, liquid or otherwise, to break free of the group and talk to “the cheerleader.” But it also takes great courage for the cheerleader to talk to the “dork.” But when it happens, sparks fly and two gals from opposite groups are making out by last call.