Cycle Sluts: ‘Wear a bag and stay in the dark’

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I caught my boyfriend cheating, and he said it was the first time. I want to believe him, but I realized how many opportunities he’s had, and I don’t know if I can ever trust him again! Should I believe him?
Signed, “Fool Me Once!”

Winnie Bego: Sounds like my ex. Oops did I say that out loud?
Sassy Squatch: Oh… Sweetie! Cheating boyfriends are like cockroaches. For every one that you catch there are hundreds you didn’t see. Kick his butt to the curb!
Zoey Diddim: Opportunities? You say you “caught” him cheating so you missed an opportunity to have a hot three-way!
Juana Mann: I say just figure everything they tell you is a lie from the beginning. Remember the eight inches promised in his profile? If you never have trust you can’t lose it.
Diane Tolickya: Leave his bitch ass. If he can’t be honest, go lick someone else.
Molotovia Cocktail: Well…what the hell were you doing giving him opportunity? Gurl, you let go of a good thing, and I may just have to grab it. And I can HOLD ON!
Bea Dazzle: Doll, that’s the first time you caught him. Last weekend he said there have been many. He’s been bizz-ay.
Rolonda Flor: If you would stop hooking up with men on Craigslist you wouldn’t have this problem.
Eden Cox: First time? He could win a weenie eating contest with all the practice he’s had!
Freeda Fondle: How much money does he make, and how hung is he? If either are short, dump him.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I need to find a man, but I’m not the best looking guy. What can I do to make myself more attractive and more datable?
Signed, “Homely Homey”

Winnie: Ugh, Get a dog! They’re less maintenance.
Zoey: Add a little sparkle to your life. The Sluts always have dates. And we get paid too. It’s a win-win!
Molotovia: Get your pity party finished, and then stand up straight (or at least tall). Dress right and learn to suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Worked for me!
Juana: Just hang with us! Hon, you’ll be beautiful by association. Or you can stand next to Freeda and be beautiful by comparison.
Sassy: I need a bit more info to help you. Oh, wait, I see you included a photo with your question. OMG! Holy Sh*t! Sweetie, you’re gonna have to pay for it.
Eden: Wear a paper bag and stay in dark clubs. It works for Freeda!
Diane: Ever hear of grooming, you damn chia pet?
Rolonda: With me on your arm, life would be all golden showers and glittery gang bangs, Baby!
Freeda: Do what Zoey does: hang a pork chop around your neck. Then at least they’ll get a free meal.
Bea: Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol and more alcohol. Just be generous at the bar and with the pour.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My partner and I are monogamous, sort of. We have a “Don’t ask don’t get caught” rule. Well, how do I tell him about a STD I’ve contracted? I still love him and don’t want to lose him.
Signed, “Caught with My Pants Down!”

Winnie: I guess I know now. THANKS!
Juana: I’m at a loss. I’ve never had to tell anyone that. Usually a can of RID deals with anything I’ve had before I have to tell anyone.
Zoey: Don’t get caught, but catch him. Tell him you got it from him then watch him panic.
Freeda: STD stands for “suck that d*ck?” That’s what I was told.
Diane: I guess nobody warned you about Zoey. Make sure to use the ointment twice daily until gone.
Rolonda: Hey, don’t be silly; put a rubber on your willie! Not only a catchy tune but words to live by.
Molotovia: Monogamous my ASS! Well at least I never claimed to be. Get a penicillin-picker-upper and then remember to wrap that rascal.
Bea: WTF! Yeah. I love you too! Now make sure your stuff is packed and out by the time I get home.
Eden: Just share it with him and when he gets it just pretend he must have got it from one of his tricks. It’s worked for me a thousand times.
Sassy: Typical! NOW you want to cover it up, I’d say your monogamous relationship is “GONE-orrhea!”

On the Web at DenverCycleSluts.net. Keep questions coming to AskASlut@gmail.com!