Cycle Sluts: ‘if you’ve got it, FLAUNT it!’

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I like free-balling; I’m hung and I like to show it. My boyfriend doesn’t like that I go commando and is threatening to leave me if I don’t stop. But I really love teasing all the guys! What should I do?
Signed, “Swinging Set”

Sassy Squatch: Let him go, Sweetie! I’ll add the slide and some teeter-totter to your swing-ing set. Not all playgrounds are for kids!
Zoey Diddim: Get in touch with your inner Scotsman and start wearing a kilt. Then you can show the goods and keep your man.
Juana Mann: Let him go. When you’re hung like a horse, it’s easy to find someone new.
Winnie Bego: If you’ve got it, FLAUNT it. And by flaunt I mean show me in person.
Diane Tolickya: Knock it off you F-ing tease. Keep your sweaty, salty nuts to yourself, or I’ll have to give you a good tongue-lashing.
Bea Dazzle: Well Doll, you need to bring them by here and get a group vote.
Rolonda Flor: Remind him that’s how you picked him up in the first place, so why is he crying now. If that doesn’t work say, “Don’t let the door hit ya where I used to split ya!”
Eden Cox: Buy some tighty-whities. Skid marks on your undies is one thing; on your jeans is another.
Freeda Fondle: What gym should I go to to see you bouncing your balls?

Dear Cycle Sluts,
When I was young I did a straight porno, and now my ex is threatening to tell my parents unless I put out for him. I don’t want to have sex with him, but I also don’t want my folks thinking I could give them grandkids! How do I get out of this?
Signed, “Between a Cock and a Hard Place”

Zoey: Fess up to your folks that it was just a phase you grew out of, then give them a copy for their next anniversary.
Molotovia: Tell him what he’s doing sexual harassment. After all, you’re STRAIGHT and have the video to prove it.
Juana: Tell your parents yourself. Then give them a copy of the film, and tell them that it’s as close as they’re going to get!
Sassy: Sometimes sexual blackmail can be fun, but he’s an ex for a reason. You were together long enough to have dirt on him … tax fraud, stealing, anal warts. Use it!
Winnie: How about a non-stop weekend of showing me the porno in the Winnie Bego.
Eden: Honey, wetting your whistle in a fish taco once doesn’t mean you don’t prefer a beef sausage. Let your parents know and that there’s no chance of having little nuggets running around.
Diane: Your ex had a viewing party of the video. It wasn’t that great. If anything, your parents will be disappointed in your moves (or lack of).
Rolonda: Give the video to your parents on April Fool’s day as a gag gift. And as for your ex, tell him you have herpes. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.
Freeda: How many X’s in your porno? I have 8 X’s in mine!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I like this guy at work and really want him bad! The problem is I don’t know if
he’s gay. What’s the best way to find out?
Signed, “Supply Closet Case”

Juana: Pick up a quarter in front of him and have a friend see if he checks out your booty. It’s a classic, but still works.
Winnie: Next time you two are in the bathroom together, tap your foot under his stall. Works for Republicans!
Diane: Say it’s real hot, and then take off your shirt. If you catch him peeking at your body, take the rest off and have at it.
Rolonda: All “straight” men are a few cocktails away from having a cock in their tail!
Bea: Doll, is your gaydar on the Fritz? If you think he is, then he probably is!
Eden: The best way to find out is to ask him if he’s ever taken an 8-incher up his backside. If he punches you in the face, then he’s probably straight.
Sassy: Offer him a blowjob. That’s a quick way to separate the wheat from the chaff. By wheat I mean “men that will have sex with men,” and by chaff I mean “men without a penis!”