Cycle Sluts: A bitch needs her burger and shiny shoes

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I constantly have my “socially aware” friends telling me not to go to a certain store or to boycott others for political reasons. How do you balance life while being a responsible gay?
Signed, “Between a Stonewall and a Hard Place”

Sassy Squatch: Sweetie, just remember if anyone sees you at one of the “forbidden stores” who are they going to tell? They would be admitting they were there too!
Zoey Diddim: Are we boycotting Goodwill and the Liquor stores? Cuz if so, we’re screwed.
Juana Mann: You could live off the land. Great outfits can be found in high class dumpsters! Also try hunting. I find plenty of bears in Denver, and they’re high in protein.
Diane Tolickya: ‘F’ ’em! A bitch needs her burger and shiny shoes.
Molotovia Cocktail: Most socially aware people are only “aware” of themselves! In this day and age if I have to shop at Jacques C Panay, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do!
Bea Dazzle: If your friends are “socially aware” I would recommend they see a doctor.
Rolonda Flor: Cum to Rolonda’s house, Baby! I have plenty of chorizo. You’ll never go hungry!
Eden Cox: That’s easy! Go shopping, but don’t tell. It’s just like when I go shopping at Cheesman and don’t talk about it afterwards. Oops, did I say that out loud?
Freeda Fondle: I get distracted way too easily to remember where I shouldn’t go! Oh look, shiny!
Winnie Bego: You need new friends.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend recently bought a f#cking machine and he uses it all the time. Now when I want to have sex with him he says he’s worn out. He was a nymphomaniac when I met him, so I never thought sex would be a problem.
Signed, “Replaced by Technology”

Zoey: Remove the batteries, dumbass!
Molotovia: I have one of those machines. His name is Nick, he works at the gym. You need to find one and tell your (ex) boyfriend to use his snap-on tools by himself.
Juana Mann: I’d need to understand why he likes it so much. Clean it up, ship over to me, and I’ll let you know what to do in a few months.
Sassy: You could always turn it to the highest setting, and then break off the knob. If that doesn’t work, threaten to break off his knob.
Winnie: Sorry Sugar Britches, I was too busy using my F machine to answer your question.
Eden: Why don’t you just play with him when he’s using the machine? If he says no, remember: “If you can’t join them, beat them!”
Diane: Dip the machine in hot sauce, and when he gets home tell him to “Ride it deep and hard!”
Rolonda: We had f#cking machines in Mexico too; Donkeys, horses, and bulls, oh my!
Freeda: If he’s worn out then he’s not a nymphomaniac, or is the machine better than you?
Bea: Doll, it sounds like sex is still not a problem … for him! I have a serious question: what’s the name and model of the F machine? Mine’s worn out!

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I just learned the term “Gold star,” a lesbian who has never been with a man. Is there a term like this for a gay man?
Signed, “Inquiring Minds Want to Know”

Rolonda: “Lucky?”
Freeda: I give my tricks a gold star if they’re good!
Juana: Hmmm, I’d call him a “pure” gay.
Zoey: The technical name is “virgin.”
Eden: I’ve never heard of this before. At least you know he doesn’t have his redwings yet!
Winnie: It’s called “normal” gay.
Diane: Yep, I think it’s called “good gay!”
Molotovia: Well that would be me, “perfect.” Unless you count that time I was experimenting and touched a “cooter.” I had to run for the hand-sanitizer.
Bea: I know the term, but I always just called them “clean!”
Sassy: There is no such term, because to men, “a hole is a hole!” That’s why it only takes a six-pack to get a “straight” man to play on our team!

On the Web at http://denvercyclesluts.net. Keep questions coming to AskASlut@gmail.com!