Compared to Colorado …

Greetings transplants! You’ve successfully uprooted your lives from all those other states I know almost nothing about — except through rumor and hearsay. (Is there really such a thing as “California English”? And does the Lone Star State really execute people who “Mess with Texas”?)

At any rate, welcome to the Centennial State, where the nickname comes not from the state’s founding in 1876, but from a little-known state law requiring Coloradans to be euthanized when they’re 100 years old. (Think about it: Have you ever seen anyone in Colorado over 100? I haven’t, and I’ve eaten at Red Lobster.)

I’m a Colorado kid, born and raised and brewed deep in the pure, virginal snows of the majestic Rocky Mountains. (Pro tip: we just call them “the mountains.”) Like the cast of Game of Thrones, there are still some of us natives left from season one. And like sexy Tyrion Lannister, I’ve traveled Middle Earth from Hogwarts to Hoth, and I’d like to reflect on the cultures and people who populate this fine country of ‘Merica.

Mississippi: Hot and humid as opposed to Colorado’s, “It’s just dry heat.” More potholes per block than Colfax Avenue. They do have the gulf, but the water is brown (I shit you not). They know how to properly make fried okra and grits, and they have more Waffle Houses than we have dispensaries, which is not a bad thing. But I witnessed a lot of blatant xenophobia. It’s a great place to live if you’re a straight, white male. To everyone else … did I already mention the Waffle Houses?

Utah: An orgy of ski resorts and Mormons. They even have a skier (who is Mormon) on their license plate. “The greatest snow on Earth” their license plate reads. I call bullshit on that bold claim — not only is Colorado’s snow virginal, it actually contains high levels of THC. They do have Zion National Park, and there are slurries of sexy Mormon missionaries trying to convert you. They were always kind to me and even have shirtless calendars (I shit you not). But I witnessed a lot of inconspicuous xenophobia. It’s a great place to live if you’re a straight, white male. To everyone else … did I already mention the orgy of ski resorts?

Oregon: This state’s got the motherf*cking Pacific Ocean! Colorado may have some awesome lakes … but Oregon has a motherf*cking lake in the caldera of a motherf*cking volcano. There’s also fresher than fresh seafood. Rain. Rain. More rain. They’re a bit militant about recycling, and they will body-check you into your vehicle if you try to pump your own gas. I witnessed a lot of conspicuous acceptance. It’s a great place to live for just about everyone … well, unless you’re a militia man occupying Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.

Hoth: Screw this place. Too f*cking cold all the time. The local wildlife smells awful. And commuting around the AT-AT Walkers is a bitch, as those asshole rebel fighters never check their crossfire. F*ck Hoth.

Anyhow, welcome transplants. Yes, you’ll use your heat and A/C on the same day (the same morning). Yes, we’re all better drivers than everyone else in the entire world. No, we’re not high all the time.

cough

And please don’t ta — cough cough

And please don’t take it personally when we lament about the skyrocketing rent. I know it could be worse, and we could be living in the costly city of San Francisco … where I’m told you all came from.