Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Is cheating on your partner a habit you can never really beat? Does it linger in the back of your mind, waiting for its next opportunity? Any hope that cheaters can turn the tide?

By Pieter Tolmsa

I had a friend tell me that when people become addicted to meth they would be addicts forever, because part of them would always crave it. He said that, on some level, they would always be looking to fill the void that meth created. I disagree with his oversimplification about addiction, but I wonder if that’s how cheaters actually feel.

Why do we cheat on our partners? We are unsatisfied, hurt, bored, or lonely and feel we that we deserve better. That is not to say, of course, that the cheater doesn’t deserve better, but there are better ways to handle that situation than trying to punish your partner through infidelity. (And if you don’t think so, conflict-resolution classes are out there for you.)

At the heart of our decision to cheat is ego, regardless of the circumstances. The real trigger: “I deserve this.” We see an opportunity to satisfy ourselves and weigh it out in our minds that it’s worth the risk, worth the betrayal. No amount of apologies, heartfelt or otherwise, can touch the ego at the heart of this problem. We may hate ourselves for a while and truly lament harming our partner but in the end, if our ego remains unchanged, we can’t be trusted not to cheat again.

Is a cheater a cheater forever? Not necessarily, but like an addiction, we need to address our problem. This takes real effort, and real effort means more than just a boatload of remorse or curbing our behavior because we got caught. Cheating is also a habit that develops over time as one gets into the groove of it. The first offense is the toughest and involves the most intense remorse, but after that, it gets easier each time. It’s going to take a lot of work for us to fix our ways, but we first have to want to.

To err is human, but I guess the big question comes down to whether we can trust ourselves to be loyal in the future, in spite of past infidelity. All the emotional bruising and betrayal aside, do we even deserve another chance?

Some couples counselors say that inevitably, someone in a relationship cheats and for the sake of years of devotion, the couple needs to try growing and moving past it. Easier said than done, but the reasoning is sound. If we are all bound to have our brush with infidelity, should we adjust our expectations? If every relationship runs the risk of infidelity, then there’s a fifty percent chance that you, lovely reader, could be the cheater. Do you want to be forgiven? Love is beautiful and a meaningful relationship is fulfilling. Violating that trust might seem insurmountable, but life is messy and we owe it to ourselves to try and heal … to try again.

So what do you do with a cheater? How do you know if you can trust him or her? First step: Let your anger and hurt feelings out. You are allowed some time to collect yourself — you’re not going to be worth a damn until you calm down. Next step: Create a space with your partner to talk. Both of you lay all your emotional baggage out and start sorting and sifting through to figure out what happened. Was it a one-time thing? Are you are serial cheater? Do you need some professional help?

There is no shame in seeking care. Your life, happiness, and relationship are absolutely worth it.

An Opposing View

By George K. Gramer, Jr.

Cheating is encouraged on a lot of LGBT websites. “I am in an open relationship, and he/she allows me to play together or alone.” That is the mantra, it seems.

People are people. The divorce rate alone in the USA would not be as high if everyone were 100% faithful. But that’s life. Sometimes (often) hormones override.

I have seen friends in serial monogamy. I have seen friends cheat. I know many couples who have stayed married for a lifetime without cheating. Yet, America in 2014 provides challenges to faithful relationship continuity. There are vastly and rapidly changing ideas on what fidelity is and what constitutes cheating. With the internet and all of its social networking, there is more of a live-and-let-live philosophy among many.

In terms of cheating, heterosexuals and homosexuals are probably quite alike. I’d be willing to say heterosexuals are perhaps more likely to be frequently unfaithful than LGBT people. (Isn’t the heterosexual divorce rate rather high? I suppose it’s tough to say when statistics on same-sex marriage divorces are only anecdotal at this time.)

But cheaters probably remain cheaters all their lives, so the view that “once a cheater, always a cheater” pearl of wisdom probably deserves merit.