You Can’t Say That Anymore
We’ve all seen it on dating apps: “No Blacks, No Fems, No Fatties, and No One Over 40!” What’s more, we’ve seen countless articles and posts about it, most coming to the same conclusion that statements like these make you racist, a bigot, ageist, close-minded, or a plain old, self-hating gay. I wanted to play a little devil’s advocate and try and see where the other side is coming from. I’m not talking about the people who are clearly racist, bigoted, ageist, close-minded, self-hating gays; I’m talking about the people who say they’re none of the above but still feel comfortable saying, “No Asians,” “Masc4Masc,” or “Black guys only,” etc. (I could go on but I’ll assume we’re on the same page.)
In this day and age, where we have things like “hook-up culture,” we run into arguments like those above. Clearly it’s discrimination of some kind to shun someone over physical traits that differ from the ones you prefer. However, in the world of sex and one-night stands, is it discrimination to have a type or a preference?
I know some people don’t have a type, but clearly some people do or we wouldn’t be having this discussion as frequently as we do. People agree it’s okay to have a type/preference, but it’s not okay to vocalize what you’re not attracted to. Why is that? No one gets upset when someone on a hook up app/site says, “Latinos, Furry, and Uncut Guys to the front of the line,” or “Dominant Black Tops A +++” … but if you say, “no Twinks or Middle Eastern guys,” then you’re a “racist asshole.”
Let’s ask ourselves how many times we’ve been annoyed when someone we just met says, “Oh. My. God! I have a gay friend you have to meet!” It’s rather ignorant to assume we’re attracted to someone simply because they’re gay as well. I wouldn’t set two straight friends up just because they both happen to be heterosexual. In the world of sex and fantasy, can this same logic be applied to hook-up culture? Should we make someone feel bad because they aren’t attracted to effeminate gays or Asians or twinks or older men or white guys, etc.?
People should sleep with folks they’re attracted to and vice versa. I’d feel terrible if someone slept with me just to prove some kind of point to society or themselves. Isn’t the sex hotter when both people are attracted to one another? We don’t make gay men feel bad for not having sex with women because of their lack of attraction, so why do we make each other feel bad for not being attracted to one another for physical reasons? As gay men, coming out of the closet isn’t just admitting we like men; we’re also saying we’re not attracted to women. When we vocalize our physical preference, we leave the door open for that preference to enter. Adversely, when we say what we’re not attracted to, it avoids those who don’t fit our preferences from wasting their time. Is it really that bad to find out you aren’t someone’s type before having to find out the hard (and awkward) way?
We have no control over what we’re attracted to, so when someone decides to vocalize what they aren’t attracted to, are they [insert accusation here], or are we too easily offended by good old-fashioned honesty? Is it best to hold your tongue for fear of a negative reaction which will lead to unwanted conversations between an interested party and an uninterested individual looking for the polite way out? In gay hook-up culture, must we choose between respecting someone’s feelings or respecting their time?
If we were given the room to be open and honest about preferences without all the name-calling, we could actually be respectful of both.
