Butt Stuff: Queer Liberation and Anal Sex!
As an LGBTQ+ therapist, I value my sex-positive, kink-allied, and body-liberation-centered therapy practice. For many, I am a safe and comfortable professional for many clients to ask “embarrassing” and “personal” questions regarding sex, preparation, and all things anal. It’s funny; I am honored to be that resource for clients to ask how to douche and learn about managing shame associated with gaining confidence in anal sex. I’ve always wanted a pamphlet or resource to hand them to read and not take up too much therapy time. So, I wrote this article to create that resource and spread more support of queer sexual liberation.
Consent
The first place I always start with when clients ask about anal sex is consent. I ask, “Is this something you are curious about?” or, “Do you feel it is something you should do?” Especially with younger gay men, there is an expectation that “real sex” is penetrative anal sex, or that everything in their sexual identity leads to topping or bottoming (homosexual eye roll). From my perspective, that is internalized heteronormativity, and it grosses me out. That often-unconscious belief mirrors how straight culture places sexual value on penetration. Yo! If you only focus on penetrative fucking, you miss millions of other pleasure opportunities! Don’t get me wrong, anal sex is fantastic, but only if you think so.
Consent and Curiosity
Suppose anal play is something you are excited or curious about. In that case, I suggest finding a sexual partner or partners with whom you feel comfortable exploring this part of your sexuality. I love to support clients in discussing with their partner/s about the practical and logistical aspects of their sex. Engaged consent includes discussing:
-comforts and discomforts around hygiene and cleanliness,
-preferences regarding scent and personal aroma,
-hair and texture,
-along with the degree and type of the desired contact: outer play, interplay, genital penetration, fingers, toys, etc.
This approach to communicating supports the cultivation of sexual knowledge about one’s partner/s but also creates confidence in communicating sexual preferences, needs, and limits.
Sexual Self Awareness
It’s common for people to say, “How do I know if I would like it (anal play)?” My suggestion is to begin incorporating butt play into your already-established masturbation and self-pleasure routine. See what feels good, if it feels good; if not, that’s some helpful information. Maybe it’s not for you, and that is ok.
If it does feel good, what about it feels good? Begin asking questions as you’re exploring pleasure and stimulation. That way, you’ll have information and feedback to share with a potential partner/s. I always like to look at sex with others as being an extension of the sex we have with ourselves. Working from a place of intrinsic self-awareness and pleasure-driven activity.
Enjoy the Anal Journey
Outer Play
Take it slowly when you feel comfortable exploring butt stuff with a partner. Enjoy the anal journey. Often, we are so focused on reaching anal penetration that we miss out on a world of pleasure. In the hyperfocus on penetration, we also jump into penetration with little to no foreplay or warm-up, causing pain and damage. I will speak to this later with Dr. Corey Walsh.
Take your time, and see how much you enjoy different pleasure zones around the low back, buttocks, in-between the legs, and thighs in the space between the anus and genitals. Notice what feels good and how it feels good. Are we using toys, tongues, fingers, oils, lubricants? What textures, sensations, and pressures do you like? When it feels right, transition to playing within the outer surface of the anus. Get down with genital rubbing, pressure play with toys, oral stimulation, or whatever feels good. Let the embodiment of pleasure be the guiding force.
Has the Water Run Clear Yet?
Douching
Before Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube had a plethora of douching tutorials and douche brand campaigns, so many of my clients would ask me in therapy how to douche. Again, I was honored that they felt comfortable to ask me. However, answering questions like that tends to veer away from therapeutic treatment goals.
Awakening
Awakening Boutique on South Broadway has a beautiful array of douching, anal preparation, and anal pleasure-centered products. Like everything we’ve discussed so far, douching and anal hygiene is a personal matter that needs to reflect your values, turn on ‘s and kinks.
-Some are comfortable enough to shower and use a finger to inspect and determine if they’re comfortable bottoming.
– For others, a handheld douche (drugstore disposable, reusable, or designer is preferred)
-If you’re feeling like a fancy queer, there are douche shower heads for handheld showers.
-And for others, no preparation is the preferred approach.
Douching is a personal relationship, and knowing when you feel comfortable and confident bottoming. There are so many tools and supports that can help you learn all about anal pleasure.
Feel the Stretch
Anal dilator sets allow you to explore anal stimulation and practice insertive and penetrative pleasure at your pace. Some sets come in several sizes in hard plastic. Some prefer how they are very slick and have minimal pull and tractions when lubricated. Others prefer the silicone dilators that have more traction and grip. It’s important to ask ourselves what textures, slickness, and level of friction feel good to you. Awakening also carries a vast array of dildos and vibrators. They offer pocket bullets the size of your thumb to the length of your arm and dozens of shapes, lengths, and girths in between. All of these are great as a starting point to build upon and gain confidence. Awakening sells toy cleaning soaps and foams to help remove lubricants and bodily fluids and ensure your toys are clean, especially when sharing them with partners.
Fun Tip
If you are nervous about receiving anal sex from a partner/s, Awakening has dildo mold-making kits. You can cast a mold of your partner’s penis and make your own silicon replica to practice with and gain confidence in approaching anal sex with them.
LUBE…LUBE…LUBE!!!!
Lube
Lube is key! The anus does not self-lubricate like a vagina or mouth. You gotta lube up! And get it slick to prevent injury or damage to your anus, rectum, or lower GI. You must learn what type of lube you enjoy. Often, folks default to the lube they were introduced to when they engaged in sex for the first time. There are many different types and viscosities of lubricants—water-based, silicone, water-silicon, aloe, oil, flavored, scented—a cornucopia, really. Check if your lube of choice conflicts with your safer sex practices. Oil-based lubes can feel great, but they deteriorate latex and cause condoms to break.
Non-Penetrative
Some people love the personal time while “cleaning out” and feel it is a profoundly grounding time to connect with their body before sex. For others, they absolutely hate it, which is important to consider. Are you engaging in a pleasurable pre-sex routine or one you hate, and how does that impact your relationship with sex? Foreplay starts way before we think.
When sexual partner/s do not enjoy douching or bottoming, think outside the box. What about using a fleshlight or silicone sleeve (also available at Awakening) held in-between your partner’s thighs instead of feeling pressured to have penetrative sex? It can be incredibly pleasurable for both partners taking the pressure off fulfilling penetrative sex exploration and just be present. This can let both partners relax, connect physically, and engage in highly erotic sex.
Let’s Ask the Butt Doctor.
Dr. Corey Walsh
I was lucky enough to sit down with the amazing Dr. Corey Walsh (he/they) and ask him to answer the most common questions I receive from clients. Dr. Corey Walsh, M.D., is chief resident at the University of Colorado Family Medicine Residency, where his clinical practice includes inpatient and outpatient care, LGBTQ+ care, refugees/immigrants/migrants, and people living with substance use disorders. Doctors like Dr. Walsh are incredible community resources to support Queer folks in learning vital information about anal sex and the health of your anus.
Holistic.Homosexual: So, Doctor Walsh, medically speaking, what is the word when it comes to our butts?
Dr. Walsh: Oh my my… where to begin…
Ok, let’s simplify… What are your top five tips to support folks in feeling confident about anal sex?
Dr. Walsh:
- Mindset: always make sure you’re in a healthy mindset before engaging in any kind of sex, including anal sex, where you feel safe and supported. This can be a pretty vulnerable sexual act at times, so it’s best to be mentally prepared to have sex. It’s best that you can ensure you are in a mindset that allows you to be present in your body and not concerned about surprises or being caught off guard.
- Setting: you should always have sex in a physical place where you’re comfortable and safe to have consensual sex with a partner or partners. Anal sex is incredibly vulnerable; how can the environment you are in support your ability to relax?
- Listen: tune into your awareness of the cues your body gives you, which can sometimes be harder to notice in the heat of the moment. Signs of your body to pause would be sharp pains, bleeding, tensing of the anus, anxiety, etc.
- Lube: this is probably the most integral part of any anal play to prevent damage to your body. Be sure to use your lubricant as directed on the bottle—Silicone-based and water-based options tend to be great places to start.
- Fiber: when your stool is either extreme diarrhea or constipated, it can irritate the tissue around your anus. Fibrous foods like plenty of fruits and vegetables can help bring your stool to that neutral soft zone that’s healthier for your gut and rectum, preventing irritation and pain.
Pink Eye
How about pink eye? There are so many jokes and rumors about pinkeye regarding anal-oral sex and anal sex in general. What do you wish folks knew?
Pink eye is a common name for what’s more accurately called bacterial conjunctivitis, an infection caused by bacteria that can be associated with fecal matter getting in close contact with your eyes. It tends to cause one-sided eye redness and purulent drainage. Common causes for pink and anal sex are from any act that increases the chances of fecal matter getting close to the eye: i.e., eating out, fingering and wiping the eye, and fecal matter getting on surfaces, touching those surfaces, and then your eye. People mistake other kinds of conjunctivitis for pink eye, like viruses, allergies, or irritants, so it’s always best to have your provider look to see if you might need to be prescribed antibiotic eye drops to cure an infection.
Hemorrhoids, Fissure, Prolapse, oh my!
Let’s discuss the anal trifecta: Hemorrhoids, Fissures, Prolapse, oh my!
Dr. Walsh:
Hemorrhoids are engorged blood vessels around the anus. They can be internal or external, painful or painless, and are often associated with bleeding.
Fissures, on the other hand, are small tears in the skin of the anus that are usually quite painful and cause bleeding. A healthy amount of hydration, soft stools with fiber or MiraLAX, and taking a break from anal play for at least four to six weeks usually allows your body to heal. But, really, any time that you have any bleeding from your rectum, it’s safest to talk to your provider to make sure something like colon cancer isn’t being missed.
Prolapse is when the inside of the rectum is pushed outside of the anus. You can try sprinkling simple table sugar on the tissue to help your body re-absorb the prolapse by fluid shifts in the tissue, but if this is happening, I would always talk to your provider.
The Anus is Incredibly Elastic!
There are so many queer-phobic jokes and urban myths about anal sex and losing one’s control of their bowel movements. Can we put any of that to rest?
Any anal play will cause stretching of the tissue in your anus, which is actually quite elastic. Of course, this kind of progressive stretching should always be done slowly and with caution. Risks of damaging the tissue around the anus can lead to leaking of stool. If that’s going on, definitely talk to your provider about things like medications or pelvic floor physical therapy to help, but sometimes a surgery referral is needed.
So, you are saying anal sex does not inherently create irreversible damage?
No, it does not.
If it does, you can medically correct any damage?
For the most part, yes.
Did we just debunk that there are medical reasons why people should limit their sexual practices and that misconceptions like this perpetuate homo-bi/transphobia?
Correct.
Excellent; this supports how I wanted to end this article beautifully.
Hahaha, well, great! I am glad I could help!
Anal Sex Liberation
The more sexual health knowledge we have, the more empowered we can be in making anal sex choices that align with our values and, more importantly, our sexual liberation. I always like to remind LGBTQ+ folks that we are marginalized or othered because of who we have sex with, how we have sex, and how we identify with our sexuality. Culturally, we are trained to associate our sex with shame, embarrassment, and disgust. Our sex also receives so many of our projections of internalized homo-bi-transphobia and shame, which holds us back from true pleasure. If we can learn how to engage in our sex in the healthiest and most affirming way, we are actively working toward our Queer Liberation through our sexual liberation.
Our liberation is in our sexual embodiment and through the reclamation of our Queer pleasure … our anal pleasure.
So, go forth and enjoy butt stuff.
Graphic courtesy of Holistic.Homosexual
