Boyfriends come and go but family wrecks your life forever

Dear Cycle Sluts,
My boyfriend is relocating to Denver from Texas and I’m thinking of coming with him. I’m a hair stylist and enjoy the “partying” scene. Is Denver a good city for someone like me?
Signed, “Houston Hair-burner.”

Zoey Diddim: How stereotypical. Stylist and partier means whore and the Mile High City has enough. We don’t do Texas dos.
Molotovia Cocktail: I suppose we could take in another stray CLICHÉ. But if you aren’t cute or don’t put out we will send you to the pound.
Juana Mann: Hmmm club going, partying hair stylist with a boyfriend. I don’t think you would fit it. But if your boyfriend is hot, stocky and furry he’ll fit in just fine.
Sue Nami: Sure … You will fit right in. Bottom.
Sassy Squatch: I’m afraid not, poodle, but I hear Kansas is a big party state.
Winnie Bego: Oh honey, you’ll fit in just fine with all the pretentious d-bags in this town.
Marion McKuzins: Denver needs another tweaked-out-twink-hairdresser like we need another Casa Bonita (both make me queasy). Please stay in Texas.
Rolonda Flor: Denver is fantastic. You will have a blast sister. Bars, bath houses and glory holes oh my!
Bea Dazzle: I know your state burned back to Hell, but our doors are closed. We have so many “partying hair stylists” that we’ve filled our quota. Try California.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I have a new boyfriend but my family doesn’t approve of him. They really don’t like him and asked me not to bring him along to family functions. He doesn’t know and it would really hurt his feelings. What should I do?
Signed: “Which Family Matters?”

Winnie: I guess I know now! THANKS.
Marion: Just drop your boyfriend by my trailer, precious. You’re family will be happy … and so will your boyfriend – I’ll make sure of that.
Zoey: Maybe your family knows something you don’t. Dump him and find one that is rated “Parental Approved.”
Sharon: Stop going to family functions. They’ll eventually come around, or cut you out of the will.
Molotovia: First make him cut the mullet, I mean REALLY. An attitude adjustment couldn’t hurt. There should be only one bitch in the family and mom gets first dibs.
Diane: When you bring him home to mom and dad, throw a huge bright colored wig and some glitter on him and refer to him as Sally McNewboobs.
Sue: Boyfriends come and go but family wrecks your life forever.
Sassy: Time to grow a pair, poodle. As grown-ups we get to date whomever we like. Just ask dad and your new 20-year-old stepmom.

Dear Cycle Sluts,
I’ve gone on a few dates with a really nice guy but we haven’t been to each other’s apartments yet. I looked up directions to his place online and found that the building he lives in is on the Denver bed bug list. Now I’m scared to go over or even to have him stay at my place. What should I do?
Signed: “Bugging Out.”

Sharon: Well, I guess it could be worse; he could have a small ding-a-ling.
Rolonda: Stop picking up men in the bushes at Cheesman Park and you won’t have this problem.
Juana: What’s the problem? I’m sure bed bugs wouldn’t be harder to get rid of than any of the other critters you’ve had, or some of the stalkers I’ve had.
Winnie: It’s called RID, oh wait, that’s for crabs. Sorry.
Marion: You can borrow my can of DDT I have on my nightstand. I use it to chase the little critters from my merkin every-now-and-again.
Molotovia: I’d invite Zoey to a dinner party with him to DE-BUG the place. She’s awfully good at little Critter Round-ups.
Sassy: Either meet at a “No Tell” Motel for your tryst, or use the TSA method when he comes over. Search him, strip him, bag his clothes, hose him down and then move on to the cavity search.
Zoey: Give him a small parting gift of Deet100. Then find someone a little safer, like the Orkin man.
Bea: Rid is the word, like get rid of him. If he’s buggy now, just imagine what a pest he’ll be later.