Boot camp for social skills

A few people are graced with remarkable social skills that make them the life of the party and afford them amazing friends and fun wherever they go. Many more look at these people in wonderment, envy, or distain. The truth is that most of the people who exhibit these qualities have had to overcome feelings of awkwardness or inadequacy from their past – and as with any other skill, these are often learned abilities.

Just as going to the gym to get your biceps bigger and stronger, your social muscles need to be developed through training. These techniques and exercises can help get you more socially–buff: not guaranteed to get you laid more often or find you that perfect partner for a home with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, but they can help you overcome insecurity and increase your chances of meeting great people.

The step is before you utter a word: After you identify a person you want to talk to, start the interaction with something simple like a smile, nod or quick wave. Avoid extremes of staring them down or looking away too quickly. You don’t have to pounce immediately; take your time and be smooth.

Sometimes the person we want to talk to is in a group. Don’t be intimidated or wait for a time the person is alone because it probably won’t come, and this is not the great Persian army – you can approach a group without being attacked. You can stand by the person – within her or his line of sight – or wait for a lull in the conversation before talking to someone in the group.

The next set of exercises occurs after you have built up the resolve to talk. It’s OK to approach someone and say hello, without wasting time or energy on a cheesy pickup line. I do suggest having a few pieces of small–talk in mind, like your enjoyment of the event or an appropriate compliment (not about their big package). These casual conversations could be considered pointless – they aren’t about discovering a cure for cancer or world peace – but they’re great training exercises. Keep it positive; judgments of others or complains right off the bat present you as a bitter person.

I’m about to give you one of my most treasured secrets. Ready? Here goes: talk to people like you already know them. I don’t mean giving them crap like you do with a buddy, but talk to them with the confidence and comfort of talking to a friend. It puts both of you at ease. Don’t have an agenda or expectation; your primary goal is to get some practice chatting with people you don’t know – seeing if grabbing coffee, food, or a hike could be in your future is a secondary goal. Also, avoid trying to seal the deal quickly – take your time and try to enjoy the process.

So many failures trying to socialize with others are dictated by our own insecurities – it’s hard to go into a social situation with lower self–esteem or self–confidence and expect to kick ass and feel comfortable. This boot camp is designed to help kick your social muscles into high gear and set you towards being more socially buff.