Beyond the Binary: Let’s Talk About Pronouns

I can’t help but laugh when I think of folks who are generally misinformed or simply a bit transphobic, barking back at queer folks: “I don’t have pronouns!” LOVE to break it to you, but pronouns are used all the time and, unless you solely use your name in place of pronouns (which is valid), you do indeed have them.

Pronouns are an element of language that far predate the modern conversations of queerness and transness, acting as a shorthand for a person’s name or a substitute when someone’s name isn’t known. 

With the increased use of singular they/them pronouns, individuals who use multiple pronouns, and a number of new pronouns emerging over the years, it’s worth taking a step back to review exactly how pronouns are used in the modern day and the innovative ways folks are claiming their own pronouns to better explain their gender and identity.

Most of us grow up with one of two pronouns: he or she. The use of singular “they” as a third alternative, less rooted in the binary, has increased in recent years, as gender liberation and gender-nonconformity flourish throughout the LGBTQ community and beyond. That’s not to say using “they” or “them” for a single person is at all new.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the use of singular “they” dates back to 1375, where it appears in the medieval romance Williams and the Werewolf. The work uses singular “they” to refer to an unnamed person, which is generally how it’s used today and has been used in past years. Language often exists in speech before it’s written down, so singular “they” likely predates this text.

A common example mirrors that initial mention from hundreds of years ago. Say you’re in a restaurant, and you notice a coat on the seat at the neighboring table. You might tell your dining companion, or a server, “Someone left their coat! I hope they can get it back.” 

(There are also a ton of uses of singular they in this very column.)

We do this all the time without thinking about it, usually in reference to a person who has an unknown gender. So, what’s the fuss about using it for a person who feels most affirmed with that language?

In the same vein, it’s often good practice to default to they/them pronouns in reference to a person who has yet to disclose their pronouns, despite what you might believe looking at their gender presentation. As we’ve discussed in previous iterations of “Beyond the Binary,” presentation and gender expression are not always indicative of gender identity and pronouns. It’s also good practice to just disclose your own pronouns first and then politely ask for that person’s pronouns if you don’t know and want to ensure you are using the language that reflects and respects their identity.

Folks may also use multiple pronouns or any pronouns. This means different things for different people. Folks using multiple pronouns may want to have one used more frequently than another; others may ask that pronouns are used interchangeably or in specific contexts (especially in reference to safety).

The best rule of thumb is to listen to how people refer to themselves, and ask how they would like to be referred to if they use multiple pronouns.

The use of multiple pronouns typically indicates that a person resonates to some extent with each pronoun. Someone using she/they pronouns, for example, might not fully identify with womanhood, femininity, or the binary but may still resonate with those parts of their identity to some degree.

It is dependent on the person, though take care in asking WHY people use the pronouns they do, especially if you don’t know them well. While many folks are eager and willing to discuss their relationship with their own gender with others, no one owes anyone that information, either.

To explain neopronouns, we can simply look at the prefix “neo”: It means “new pronouns.” Common neopronouns include ze/zie/zir and xe/xem/xyr, though there are many more. These are often considered gender neutral, though people using neopronouns may also use she/her, he/him, or they/them pronouns. If a person exclusively uses neopronouns, it’s for the same reason any other person uses the pronouns they do: They are the most affirming, and other pronouns are not.

Of course, if people are in a tizzy about they/them pronouns, there are increasingly more who are quick to dismiss the use of neopronouns. These same folks are also reluctant to look back at the course of human history and the English language, which has evolved immensely over the years and will continue to in the future. Why are we so quick to dismiss a trend of evolution that, historically, is prevalent in this and other languages?

It all comes down to respect. Sure, using unfamiliar language can be a challenge, but it’s a good invitation to ask for clarification on pronunciation or use if you are unsure. Even better, do some of your own research, and practice with yourself and others.

In these conversations, I often hear folks voice concern over messing up someone’s pronouns, as if that person will immediately jump down their throat and label them a bigot for making a mistake. Generally, that really isn’t the case.

It doesn’t feel good to be misgendered, but it happens, especially if a loved one or acquaintance begins using a pronoun or pronouns they previously didn’t. The best practice is truly to quickly apologize, use the correct pronoun, and carry on.

For example: “Oh yeah, I love Alex. She—Sorry, they, are a really cool person.” Easy.

If you misgender someone, don’t profusely apologize or harp on how challenging the shift is for you. If that person is present, it often puts a pressure on them to reassure you or provide you some sort of comfort, which is an unfair burden. If that person isn’t around, and they are misgendered without correction, quickly interject with the correct pronoun—Yes, every time.  If you’re on the other side, and someone quickly corrects you, say that part of the sentence over with that person’s correct pronoun.

Finally, if someone does correct you, especially the person who was misgendered, say “Thank you,” not “sorry.” Saying sorry is basically prompting that person to tell you it’s OK (and though misgendering happens, it’s uncomfortable for many people to affirm it’s acceptable), whereas “thank you” indicates gratitude for the clarification without the need for that person to comfort you over the error.

Practicing on your own is always helpful. I’ve also always said that pronouns are really the tip of the iceberg. I don’t want someone to just memorize my pronouns but still see me as a cis man who happens to use they/them; I also want folks, namely those close to me, to know what I mean by my use of they/them pronouns—in the most general sense, that my gender is neither man or woman, and that I am a nonbinary person—and to see and respect me, fully, in that way.

Additionally, changing your view of that person, their gender, and their pronouns should help you to adapt to that person’s change in pronouns. People simply want to be seen and recognized.

And listen, I’m not saying you HAVE to do anything. This is surely informed by my perspective and the perspective of the trans community as a whole, though I’m not saying this is a finite set of rules, either—simply some good practices and resources for folks looking to do better. 

If honoring and respecting someone’s pronouns, gender, and identity is important to you and you want to support and uplift your transgender siblings, you can’t be passive. Gender is a construct, and we have the ability to shape our actions, thinking, and language around the evolving societal rejection of the gender binary. It’s important to continue informing our perspectives on these conversations, rather than leaving it up to the person in front of us to fully educate us on these topics. 

Trans folks need cis people to not only work to understand us but to fight alongside us. Your trans loved ones, and the community as a whole, will appreciate the effort.