Being Jody Foster

I watched with baited breath while Jodie Foster gave her acceptance speech for the Cecile B. De Mille Award at this year’s Golden Globes Jan. 13. I waited for her to say “gay,” “lesbian” or “queer” in front of God and everybody, once and for all. She did “come out” as much as she was willing to, and everyone called her brave and courageous.

Well, straight people did.

I am on a crusade to interview high-level out lesbians who are at the top of their respective fields. These would be great stories – from the likes of Jenna Lyons, Rachel Maddow, Queen Latifah and ultimate of all gets, Jodie Foster. These are all women who are known for being lesbians without “coming out,” and well-respected for their accomplishments. These women give lesbians a good name.

But it occurred to me that for these women and probably many others, “coming out” was mostly for the people that it was important for them to come out to – their actual circle of friends and family, not the general public.

Recently, many prominent men on television have come out publicly. Anderson Cooper said that he finally came out because he wanted young people to know that they aren’t alone. Yep, kids, even really famous people are gay. For Cooper and others like him, coming out was a liberating experience.

For other people, it isn’t. If we are truly to be a society of acceptance, then it shouldn’t matter whether or not someone comes out. If we’re supposed to be evolving into a society where sexuality ceases to be an issue, then people also have the right to not discuss their private lives in public. Just because people are more curious about what famous people are like in “real life” doesn’t mean celebrities’ acquiescence offering that information. It’s still not our business.

Yet we expect it from them all the time. We want to tell stories about people we know, and often about people that we don’t know, famous or not. It is part of how we entertain a crowd. We’ve all shared anecdotes about people. Some call it gossip, but most of the time its just attempts to be entertaining and witty. It is also a way to divert attention from us so that people don’t notice our own vulnerabilities – that we are not always amazing.

I am a lesbian professionally as well as privately. But when you are privately lesbian/queer/whatever, and professionally an actress, political commentator or CEO, you want your public conversations to be about your professional accomplishments or opinions; not just that you’re gay.

The more well-known you become, the easier it is to become someone else’s story. When your private life ceases to be private, you have no place to find your center, to be your best self. I don’t want lesbian public figures to come out for them, I want them to come out for me. For me to be able to see my love on the red carpet, my “family” being amazing in front of straight society, this makes me feel proud and strong.

But their stories cannot be my story. I have to be amazing for myself, no matter who is watching.

I am proud of Jodie Foster for saying what she had to say. I was more proud of what she said about her mother. She beamed with pride in her accomplishments. She looked amazing. In fact, each of these women is living their life in their truth and glowingly maturing. They are not defiant. They are not hiding who they are. They are just living their life in the way that suits them and those that they care about, without apology or explanation.

I am a professional lesbian, predominantly in Denver. When I am other places I am a writer, energy worker, soon-to-be author, fiancé to my love – so many other things. I am living my queer life without announcement or declaration. I am proud of all of the things that I am. I am proud of us all, publicly out, privately out or only out to our dog. We are all amazing.