Being Close to White Isn’t Always Close Enough

I used to awkwardly joke that Asians were honorary white people, which I had once read in a Vonnegut book. Of course, I would only say this in front of white people, and there would either be uncomfortable laughter or shock. I’ve since learned that this is an actual distinction made by Apartheid South Africa which included many East Asian races. Making the joke was the best way I could express how it felt when I was asked what it was like to be Asian. Often, the subtext of the question was, “What was it like not to be white in America?” My thoughts always directly went to, “I know it isn’t as bad as being Black, Hispanic, or Arab in this country,” and I would coyly offer up the honorary white joke.

Cataloging all the ways that I’ve hurtfully been deemed other in America was often too painful for me to express in casual conversation; my attempts to be flippant were designed to change the subject and maybe get a laugh. But I don’t easily forget a lifetime of racism: Chinese/Japanese/Dirty Knees/Look at these, Chinese Japanese/Dirty Knees. Ching-chong! Why is your face so flat? Why are your eyes like that? Chinese fish-face! Kids would often pull their eyes back, but the mocking doesn’t stop in adulthood: Where are you from? No, where are you really from? Learn to read Engrish! Like many marginalized people, you learn to push that pain down. 

Then Donald Trump was elected. 

I knew Donald Trump was racist when I watched Ken Burn’s The Central Park Five documentary. I was familiar with his othering of the kids accused of the murder in Central Park. He was willing to pay for a full-page ad in the New York Times calling for their execution. He also paid for a full-page ad in the New York Times costing $100,000 in the 80s to bash Japan, explaining they were purposefully undervaluing their “weak yen” against the “strong dollar,” a criticism that he nearly verbatim just transferred to the Chinese as their prominence in our culture grew. I mean, Japanese and Chinese are basically the same, right? I knew Trump was being racist when he freely acknowledged the Chinese hacking while simultaneously dismissing the Russian hacking in the same way America imprisoned Japanese-Americans for our safety but not so much for German-Americans. 

Then coronavirus happened. 

When I had first heard coronavirus was coming out of China, I winced as I did when I heard about the bird flu, or swine flu coming out of China, I’m guessing similarly to how Arab-Americans and others brace themselves when first hearing about a terrorist attack. I knew this would be another way in which white Americans would view Asians getting what was coming to them, as they were unclean and/or prone to eating disgusting things. I wasn’t shocked when Trump spouted his awful rhetoric of Chinavirus or Kung Flu. I hate to admit it, but Kung Flu actually elicited a chuckle from me for how basic you could get with racism. I knew it would induce violence, but honestly, that violence against Asians has always been here.

Once in college, I was walking back to my dorm room at night when a guy ran out and shoved me into the bushes. I got up, and we fought for a moment. During a pause, when we were just standing there looking at each other, he told me to go back to my country, spit at me, and walked away. I found out he was a raging racist, that his dorm room was draped with a confederate flag, and he hated anyone not white. I would later drop out, and he would graduate, but I know, all things considered, I was still lucky. 

I’ve always tried to check my privilege even before I knew what that meant. I know how lucky I am to be a cis male. Asian women and LGBTQ folks often receive similar racism by at least two-fold. My heart breaks for all those people who have been brutally beaten and killed in this past year from AAPI hate, and it needs to stop. I was in awe when the Atlanta sheriff said that the shooter was “having a bad day.” Like many, I quickly wondered if the same empathetic courtesy would be extended had the shooter not been white or even an “honorary white person.”