Beautifully Crazy And In Love

In The Beginning:

It was a hot summer’s night when I met her. She walked with a swag and smile that dazed me like a deer in headlights. We hugged, and the smell of her hair took my breath away. It was as if I were floating on a cloud. Walking into the restaurant, we couldn’t stop smiling. The energy between us was magnetic, and so it was there that I first fell in love. Love at first sight wasn’t something I had ever believed in, but that night changed my whole mindset. 

Our love blossomed quickly and stayed alive, though some may have thought it would die off just as fast. We had our usual ups and downs, like any relationship. When everything started to fall apart, the reasoning was simply mental health. My depression had resurfaced and grew stronger by the day. The routine I had was gone, and I felt as though I were living a completely different life; showering, eating, and sleeping felt nearly impossible to me. Bouts of crying and anger would erupt like a volcano. We started to sleep separately, and that caused more stress.

The Start of My Depression:

Fearing that I may lose her and my sanity, I quit my job. It seemed to be one of the main issues causing my depression. That only led to manic depression and episodes of extreme anger. There would be times that I would harm myself just to feel a different kind of pain. Losing my medical insurance added another cherry to my sundae when I couldn’t get the help I needed.

It was then that I started to doubt the love we had; we were constantly fighting. We didn’t sleep together and had completely different schedules. The understanding wasn’t even there; I knew my depression had surfaced, and I communicated my needs to her. Even though my needs were communicated, her mental state was delicate.

The communication was the worst part about our relationship. We interrupted each other, and the hateful things we would say cut a hole right through our hearts. A friend told me that it takes 1000 hours to fully know how to hurt someone. My partner and I were together for 4,344 hours when we started to have real issues. 

We stuck with it for as long as we could. I had a complete breakdown on my 31st birthday. I decided that I needed to go home and try one last time to salvage my relationships with my family. Two months had gone by, and then I was back in Colorado, helping my partner care for her grandfather.

The time spent in Kentucky helped reset my mental state, but it didn’t heal the wounds inflicted by my partner. We worked through our issues slowly, fighting like cats and dogs in the beginning. Then, when the communication got better something just clicked between us. The love we shared in the beginning of the relationship was back. 

Our love grew stronger every day, and after our two-year anniversary, I proposed. My partner was the first person I had ever loved and committed to that loved me unconditionally. The happiness I felt putting the ring on her finger and wiping away the tears is one of the happiest moments of my life. We were planning a future together, and all I could see was the passionate love we shared.

The proposal had come and gone. We knew the wedding date wouldn’t be anytime soon, so planning didn’t seem necessary. For months, we were our normal happy and sane selves. Then the stress of everyone asking us when the wedding was started to trigger our anxiety. Fighting began shortly after, and after seven months, we called it quits.

The unconditional love I once felt was gone. I lost it once more and fell into a deep depression. Drinking and going out became a nightly thing. Smoking weed was even a vice I used to numb the pain. Hitting on girls and asking for their numbers became a game.

My Self-Discovery

Luckily, I had been consistently working on my mental health and was able to recognize the signs of mania. There were two or three episodes that shook me to my core. During one of those episodes, I felt as though I was going to commit suicide. I can’t put words to how low and dark my mind was. My fear of tomorrow and what it brought crippled me. That is when the true therapy started for me. Writing became an outlet for coping with traumas I have had to endure. This time, narrative therapy saved my life.

It has been three months, and I am finally understanding why my past weekend sucked. It is because my ex has a new partner whom she met a little over a week after we broke up. I thought the love we shared was real. Learning that the person you planned to spend your life with had moved on so quickly, was hard. Finding that out nearly broke my soul. Once again, I turned to my vices, and that would be the last time. 

My writing took precedence, and I started to write about my emotions and post them online. I wanted people to know they weren’t alone. Becoming an advocate for mental health has kept me sane, and I hope that my vulnerability has inspired others to continue their battle.

I have fought my depression and anxiety on multiple fronts. The hurt I feel every time I see my ex rips a bit of the fresh scar that has formed on my heart. Choosing the right path isn’t always easy, and I do make mistakes. This weekend alone made me realize that. As much as, I want to feel the warmth of a body next to me in bed, I know the truth is, I’m not ready. It wouldn’t be fair to the person laying next to me. The unfairness wouldn’t end there; it would be as if I were harming myself again. It would take form as a vice, and avoidance doesn’t get me anywhere. Knowing that avoidance isn’t the key tells me I could never truly be happy with myself or anyone else.

What I’m trying to say is that it takes time to heal. Take everything you learned from the breakup, and figure out what is important to you. Was this relationship meant for something? My answer is yes. It’s yes because her love gave me the strength to let go of my family and the harm they do to me mentally. I have thanked her on multiple occasions for that, and I believe she knows I will always be appreciative of that. Her love has shown me that I am deserving of unconditional love, but it has to come from within, not from anyone else.

Let yourself find happiness within, and be optimistic that when you reach it; only good can come from it.