Be A Fashion–feet–ista

As I mentioned in my previous column, there are two things that can make or break you when it comes to being a drag queen (or just a fabulous homo sapiens): hair and shoes. If you missed my follicle fashion tips, just look up my last column (ofcnow.co/n6T). This time it’s all about the southern end of your pole, your feet.

Once a fan is finished ogling my big bouffant, their eyes go immediately to what I am ambulating on. I take pride in my shoes. And I will travel the world (and the Internet) for the most unusual boots I can sink my toes into, be it kinky or cowboy.

The right shoes not only give style, but also stature, height and pose. I always go for a chunky heel. The extra girth gives stability both on and off the stage. I see so many baby drag queens in CFMPs (Come Fu*k Me Pumps). A stiletto heel that can pierce a sheet of steel…or the forehead of a cheating boyfriend…may look stunning. The problem is this: imagine balancing in a pair of tennis shoes with a knitting needle to rest back on.

It’s just not going to happen.

That’s why my shoe of choice is a platform thigh–high boot. Not only do you get the solid foundation of a chunky heel, but you also get extra height, making you a towering authority to be reckoned with. With a sheath that goes all the way up to the taint of no return, you don’t even have to bother with pantyhose. It’s a win-win all the way around.

Sometimes your selection is whatever you can find in the 12+ section of Cross Dress For Less. Platform boots are far and few between. Princess Royale 40 of the Imperial Court of the Rocky Mountain Empire, Gabriella Butz’In, wears a size 14 men’s. That means she wears a size 16 in women’s. That’s nearly impossible to find in a woman’s shoe. One time she ordered several pairs from China. Gabriella is certain those Chinese woman were running around the factory floor screaming, “Godzilla! We make shoes for Godzilla!” Gabbie’s shoes are enormous and there are reports that some of her shoe castoffs have been seen river rafting down the Royal Gorge.

So if you do get stuck with a less than stable heel, whether it’s at Halloween or just prancing about in the privacy of your own walk-in closet, here are a few Nuclia Waste Shoe Tips to Keep You From Tipping.

1.     Before ever going out in public, practice wearing your shoes while vacuuming in your home. The constant back and forth of the cleaning will constantly throw off your balance until you’re as stable as a conifer in a Colorado microburst.

2.     Never ever go back on your heels. Yes, that’s right. That heel is for decorative purposes only. It was never meant to be walked on. Walk on the toes and balls of your feet at all times.

3.     Swivel those hips. There’s a reason women walk with a little badunk–a–dunk in their trunk. It makes walking in heels so much easier. Gyrate your hips and you’ll avoid that stiff–legged I–just–rode–into–town–on–my–horse look we see so many times.

So there you have it. Follow my advice and you’ll be a fabulous fashion-feet-ista with the world at your…toes.