Balancing friendships and sex

Dear Brent,

I think that I’m a pretty normal guy. I’m out there meeting people to developing new friendships and have some great sex along the way, but seem to be finding people wanting either anonymous sex or to jump quickly into a committed relationship. I’m not necessarily opposed to either, but neither is high on my list – why can’t it be both friendship and sex?

It definitely can work that way – and you’re preaching to the choir. Our culture is broken into many distinct tribes with different perspectives – some that feel that sexual expression is something reserved for those whom you are dating or have a strong possibility of dating, others are looking for a ‘wham–bam, thank you, Sir!’ Some enjoy interactions anonymously with the “no strings attached” label to keep the development of feelings theoretically off the table – though they sometimes happen anyway.

In between these is a group of people who feel that friendship, emotional intimacy, and sexual expression can all be acceptable parts of interpersonal relationships with others. Many times these people are seen as renegades, selfish, or non-committal. It is somewhat depressing to think that this type of judgment can come from members of our own queer family, where we’ve also dealt with judgment throughout our lives.

Many friendships have developed after a hot, sweaty romp – leading to the discovery of commonalities, cultivated over time. I propose that these types of connections are just as valid as any other kind of relationship. It can provide amazing fulfillment and enjoyment while giving us the opportunities to explore ourselves and others. I question those who are so pompous and overconfident in their ability to determine what is appropriate or not for the greater population. Just because it doesn’t fall within one person’s guidelines of what he’s looking for doesn’t mean that it isn’t a good for someone else.

Let’s focus on how to find those who share your physical, emotional, sexual, and interpersonal search for openness and variety. Being honest – communicating your desires and what type of connections you are looking for – is at the core of finding those who agree. Although you may be more of a free spirit, the majority of people out there may not fully relate to how you see the world of potential friendly activities. Unfortunately there are also some who will tell you they’re on the same page, but will be secretly pushing to change your mind and put a ring of monogamy on your finger. Be aware of these patterns and protect your own heart and sanity – none of us need more drama than naturally exists in our lives.

There are relationships that defy convention and challenge previous ideas of acceptability. Additionally, there are people who have a firm idea of how interpersonal relationships should play out. They may feel more comfortable stating firm expectations and descriptions of the nature of your relationship, almost like an emotional and behavioral contract. It needs to be a good fit for both people. Compatibility has to exist on many levels. When people aren’t happy with situations that fail to meet spoken and unspoken expectations, resentment and anger can develop.

I’ve been told that people like you are uncommon, but please have no fear. There are like–minded people out there for you to connect with on many different levels. I would implore you to ensure that you are being as upfront as possible about your interests, boundaries, and expectations. Continue your search and don’t compromise your own desires and convictions to connect with people in ways that you believe in.