Ask the Sexpert: The grand finale (or not)

Hi Shanna,

I’m kind of new to the whole ‘having sex’ thing, and want to know how I can tell when my partner is faking an orgasm. What are the signs?

– Wondering if it’s Real in City Park

Dear Wondering If It Is Real,

The short answer to knowing whether your partner is faking an orgasm: Ask them. That simple.

Our culture somehow has an obsession with “real” orgasms, and this concept that women are frequently faking orgasms and that men never fake orgasms has resulted in folks being accused of faking – and also in judgment being placed on those who do/don’t fake orgasms, depending on who you talk to.

I think much of this stems from the focus we’ve put on orgasms as the goal of “successful” sex, rather than letting pleasure itself be the end game. What does successful sex really look like? I would argue that it looks like both (or all) partners getting sexual pleasure in a way they enjoy. That could come from intercourse, oral sex, manual stimulation, spankings, mutual masturbation, etc. It entails each person knowing what completion looks like for them – it could be an orgasm, it could be a few dozen minutes of a certain activity, or just feeling satisfied.

Instead of figuring out whether or not your partner is faking it, I’d suggest asking about how things feel. Do more of the things that feel good, and less of the things that don’t. When we open our definitions of sex and satisfaction, all parties tend to get more of their needs met.

Best of luck,
Shanna