Ask the Sexpert: Kids and compromises

Hi Shanna,

I’ve recently moved in with my girlfriend of four years, and I’m not sure what to do about having sex on the weeks that she has custody of her two kids, ages 5 and 7. She usually has an open–door policy with them, which is great, but I want some adult time too. What should we do?

– Horny and Parenting in Parker

Dear Horny and Parenting,

Congrats on the cohabitation, and what sounds like the first step towards co-parenting. Your girlfriend’s open–door policy is great, but it’s also completely understandable that you are looking to set limits around when the kids are welcome to climb into bed with the two of you.

This is the perfect time to begin conversations with the kids around privacy or “private time” – for adults and for them. Having a talk about the fact that everyone needs alone time helps establish when it’s OK to come in to the bedroom and when it’s not. However, once you set those boundaries, their privacy should be respected too.

You can establish those moments by declaring them, or establish a sign, like a scrunchie on the door. Again, make sure the kids have their own way to request privacy. You’ll have an exception for emergencies, of course.

You can also have more late–night trysts when the kids are in bed, or work with your girlfriend to set the kids up with play dates. Consider taking turns babysitting with another couple with kids of their own. You could also try and schedule your sexual playtime when your girlfriend doesn’t have custody. There are many ways to work around raising kids and still having a happy and fulfilling sex life as parents.

Best wishes,
Shanna