Ask the Sexpert: Don’t let the music die

Dear Shanna,

My 10-year lesbian partner and I have always had amazing sex. My sex drive has always been on the high side, but as we’ve progressed in our relationship, the amount has diminished, as seems to usually be the case. There have been been many disappointing times I thought we’d be intimate but it never occurred. I’m frustrated at not ever being able to decide if or when we have sex. Do you have any suggestions? 

– Wanting More in Wash Park

b>Dear Wanting More,

There is a frequently discussed stereotype of LBD – Lesbian Bed Death, which insinuates that most long-term lesbian relationships don’t have the sexual passion they did at first.  Here’s the real story: The majority of long-term relationships – lesbian or not – involve less sex than they did the first few months. It’s just part of the relationship arc. 

This is not to say that sex should stop after you’ve settled down. My first suggestion is to talk to her – not with a passive-aggressive “well, I guess we’re not having sex, again,” as we have all wound up thinking some point, but a genuine conversation about how you are feeling. She might not realize that it has been affecting you so deeply, and the talk could jumpstart some action.  You can come up with planned action items, like scheduling makeout time (sounds silly, but it really works for some people), or reading erotica to each other out loud.

Another idea is to think outside the box (pun intended!) and redefine “sex.” What if she helps out while you masturbate, or explores some kink? For some, erotic massage will incorporate (or reignite) intimacy outside traditionally-defined sex. 

One last option is opening your relationship. It sounds like you are getting all your needs met with your partner – except for your sexual ones. You could pick up a friend with benefits, or agree on having the opportunity to hook up with other people. If you decide to go that direction, I recommend the two of you read Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up for ideas around respect and boundary-setting in open relationships.

Don’t give up yet. If you put in the work, my bet is that you can keep this great relationship going in a way that’s more satisfying. Best of luck!

–Shanna