Ask the Sexpert: Beyond Strap ons

Dear Shanna –

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now. I love her a lot, and everything is great … except for I’m getting really sick of having to strap it on. I mean, I like some hot harness action as much as anyone else, but it seems as though that is all she likes. She says it’s not “real” sex unless there is penetration. Am I stuck with this, or is there hope in diversifying our sex life?

– Sick of the Strap On, Denver

Dear SSO –

Strap on sex is actually frequently a matter of debate in lesbian, bisexual and queer communities (and even in straight communities, where the practice of pegging, where a woman straps it on and penetrates her partner anally). On one side, you have a good handful of women who feel that strap on sex of any kind is the re-creation of heterosexual, penis-in-vagina intercourse, and won’t touch a dildo or harness with a 10-foot pole. Pun intended. On another side, there are other groups of women who subscribe to the social convention that sex must involve phallic-like penetration, of the anus or vagina, with a penis or some strap on action. While both of those opinions are valid for the individuals holding them, there is also a whole group in the middle who view sex as a smorgasbord of sorts; you taste a little of this, try a little of that, and go back for seconds (and thirds!) of anything that you particularly enjoy.

Consider talking to your girlfriend about what other between the sheets activities turn you on, and might be fun to add to your sexual repertoire. It sounds like she really enjoys the strap on play, so make sure to assure her that it’s not going to go away; rather, that you enjoy sex with her so much that you would like to add some new things to keep things as sexy and steamy as they have been. Want to work on your handiwork? Show her how dexterous your fingers are, and all the fun things you can do with them. If she’s still clinging to wanting dildo penetration, try holding on to the toy and using it that way; it’ll give you a lot more angles, and put less stress on your body.

For even more ideas, consider investing in some authentic porn or erotica that features women having sex with women beyond the strap on. Reel Queer Productions, Pink and White, Sweetheart Video, Girlfriend Films, GoodDykePorn.com all feature women who identify as LBTQ and have the sex that gets them off as part of the production. More literary? Check out Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica and other books featuring erotica written by LBTQ authors. Another idea is to invest in a book featuring tips on lesbian sex (or sex for women who have sex with women) like the Lesbian Kama Sutra or the Whole Lesbian Sex Book. Mark the pages that feature things you might like to try, and leave it at her place, on her nightstand, in her backpack, or bring it up during non-sex time. Maybe she’s never been exposed to all of the other satisfying sex that can take place without the use of the traditional strap on, and all she needs are some tips and guidance to point her in a new direction. Hopefully, one or another of these suggestions will give both you and your girlfriend some stimulating ideas to help you mix things up in the bedroom, and savor the strap on play for an activity that is used to punctuate a whole list of other delicious sexual acts.

Best of luck!

Email questions to shannakatz@gmail.com.

Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a Colorado native, fierce femme and board certified sexologist. She believes strongly in open source, accessible sexuality education.

For more info, online at http://ShannaKatz.com.