Ask the Sexpert: A potential other couple

Dear Shanna- 

My girlfriend and I have been together a few years and the sex is fantastic. We’ve become friends with another couple (also lesbian) and there seems to be chemistry between us. I know the term “swinging” is somewhat outdated, but I think it’s the best word for what we’re interested in. Is it a good idea? If so, how do we move forward?

– Potential Swingers in Sedalia

Hello Potential Swingers;

What an exciting position to be in – a satisfying relationship plus the potential for some other adventures.

Before anything else, you and your girlfriend should sit down and talk about what you want. While the fantasy of a four–way or other combination may sound incredibly hot, consensual non–monogamy works well for some folks and not well for others. Ensure you are both on the same page with what might go down (pun intended).

If you’re both go for it, set some boundaries. What are you OK with and what are your hard limits? Consider bringing up the idea subtlety with the other couple – you could reference recent Mad Men episodes or talk about “friends” who practice swinging and like it. Use these conversations to feel out how they feel – if they don’t take the conversational bait, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

If they do, set a time to talk about what might happen – don’t have these types of conversations when intoxicated, or when not all four of you are around. Make sure you are all part of the talks, and can agree on limits and expectations – is it a one time thing or potentially ongoing? – and safer sex choices. Make sure they’re both equally comfortable – that neither seems pressured by the other – and that you’re really interested in both of them and they’re really interested in both of you rather than treating someone as a less-desired part of the package. A great book to check out is Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up which talks about different types of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, and gives good guidelines around negotiations.

– Shanna