Ask A Slut
Dear Cycle Sluts,
I am so infatuated with this guy at work, but how do I know when that infatuation changes to an obsession with him? (I’ve looked up his address and stalked him on social media.)
Signed,
HR NIGHTMARE
Bea: It’s always so subtle. First you’re hiding in his bushes with a camera, then you steal his used underwear. After you finish talking to his mother on the phone trading recipes and find yourself standing naked in his kitchen, that’s when you know: You might have a problem. (Make sure there’s extra whipped cream, anyway. Just in case.)
Zoey: When he gets home to having dinner ready … and you don’t live there.
Latexa: Infatuation changes to obsession when a restraining order is issued. That’s how you know.
Cookie: It’s gone too far when you begin dressing like him, using his own clothes from his own closet — and he still doesn’t know you’re in his house. Everything up to that point is merely speculation about stalking.
*****
My partner wants to be more adventurous, but I’ve never done anything more than the three basic positions. I just don’t know how to be kinky! Where can I go to learn more?
Signed,
FREAKING AT KINKY
Bea: You need to establish what kinky is. If you partner wants to hear you talk and that’s what gets him off, great! If not, you’ll be the reason they invented the ball gag. (Seems to me you’re already half way there.)
Zoey: Cookie can show you the ropes — and how to knot them so you can’t get away.
LaTexa: If you need to learn how to be kinky, talk to me. You can ask almost any gay person in this town and I’m sure he’ll let you know that I’m the one that you go to for that information. (My rates are pretty decent, too.)
Cookie: If you truly want to learn, learn from those who know. Go to a local dungeon and learn the protocols. Do not watch 50 Shades, amateurs. There is nothing funny in this answer. This is a public service announcement.
*****
My girlfriend is very demure, while I’m a bit more … let’s say rambunctious. Our sex life is complacent, but I know I can spice things up if she’d let me do oral. However, she’s afraid. What can we do to help each other?
Signed,
SEARCHING FOR THE PROTECTED WETLANDS
Bea: Do you have to bring your own tartar sauce, or is it provided at the clambake? I would really recommend staying away from the red stuff — it’s always wrong.
Zoey: She is afraid to let you munch her muff? It’s not you — it’s all her and her clam chowder issues.
LaTexa: First you need to find out why she doesn’t want you to go downtown. Perhaps it’s that spinach that’s been in your teeth for the last week. If that’s not the case, see if she’ll try some toys that are designed to simulate an oral experience. If she tries it by herself and likes it, she might let you.
Cookie: Stay away from protected wetlands down there. You will find it ungrounded and poorly managed, much like our country’s national parks.
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