All straight men are one six-pack away from a blow-job

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
Recently my partner has started working out and watching what he eats. He’s even started paying attention to his grooming habits. He’s looking really good now. Is he  planning to leave me?
Signed, “Worried about work outs.”

Sue Nami: Yes.
Marion McKuzins: What do you think this is, the Psychic Friends Network? I have no idea if he’s planning on leaving you, but would guess the answer is yes. A suggestion: start paying attention to yourself as well. Or go get some good cheese to go along with the whine of yours. Sounds like a pity-party for one, my dear.
Sharon MaGoodies: He’s probably just having an affair at the office. Look at it this way gurl, you get all the benefits of a relationship without having to put out.
Zoey Diddim: Sounds like it’s a possibility that he has someone new. BTW, what made you choose that paint color for the bedroom? Do you know how many coats it will take to cover?
Diane Tolickya: I say hop on the treadmill too. That way once you’re in better shape he’ll ask if you would like to join him at the bath house where he usually walks around with his clothes on.
Sassy Squatch: Really. Your husband’s no longer a gross couch potato but a hottie and you want to complain. I’d leave you, too.
Molotovia Cocktail: He’s just now starting to shower? What the hell did you pick him for in the first place? Unless you chose down to make yourself look good. You sound like my water feature, shallow.
Winnie Bego: I’ll invite ya to our wedding if you want.

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
Last month I went to the PrideFest parade for the first time and had a great time. Everyone in the parade seemed to be having so much fun but they were kind of “over the top.” Have you ever seen such a weird and freaky collection of folks before?
Signed, “Out, but not out there.”

Sue: You should come to one of our Bingo’s.
Zoey: Every year. Though never try it on acid. I am still having flashbacks.
Winnie: Have you been to one of our meetings? Just sayin’.
Marion: Maybe you should take a gay history lesson, sweetheart, and Google “Stonewall riots.” If it wasn’t for the “weird and freaky” folks, there would be no gay parade (or possible gay rights).
Sharon: Don’t confuse the weird and freakies with Denverites. Most of that mess is from Wyoming or New Mexico.
Molotovia: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you want to see something freaky you should see what is in my hand as I type this column, (one handed of course.)
Diane: You really must not get out much. I presume this is the first time you’ve heard of the Denver Cycle Sluts, too. Get off the couch and live a little.
Sassy: Oh, you saw those freaks standing in front of the cathedral holding the “repent” signs too. I agree, what a bunch of weirdos.

Dear Denver Cycle Sluts,
I went out with some of my work associates for happy hour and we all got a bit wasted. One thing lead to another and I ended up sleeping with one of my straight coworkers. Now he avoids me and won’t even talk to me anymore. How can I fix this?
Signed, “Working it.”

Sassy: He’ll show up at your door again soon enough for a drunken booty call quoting Lady Antebellum, “It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone, and I need you now.” Till then enjoy not talking to him.
Marion: Does it really need fixing, poodle? A hot, no-strings, roll-in-the-hay with a straight man that you don’t have to make conversation with (nor breakfast) … sounds like a perfect date to me.
Sharon: I did this one time with my boss. If you work it to your advantage, you just might get another raise, if you know what I mean.
Zoey: Tell him you will file a harassment charge with the HR Department unless he puts out again. He will either talk to you or get a restraining order.
Winnie: Why fix it? It’s just another notch on your belt.
Molotovia: All straight men are one six-pack away from a blow-job. What were you drinking?
Diane: He’s not really straight. He uses that story all the time and it worked on me too. Honey, that closet case will eventually accept himself when he’s good and ready to.
Sue: Good work on the recruiting. Watch for the tell tale signs: Gel in his hair, spouting off about Lady Gaga, crying at his desk. Then we know we got him.

The big night is almost here. Join us Saturday, July 16 for “Slut Search” at Hamburger Mary’s Club M. Help us choose the new members of Cycle Sluts.