Aging and the big three-Oh

In my early 20s I thought I knew everything. By the time I hit 25, I realized I knew nothing. So for years, I have eagerly awaited getting out of the youth age bracket in hopes of a life that would be more secure. But according to my comrades in the 30-plus age zones, getting older can have its own set of insecurities and challenges.

When I told my peers that I was about to enter my 30s, statements or expressions suggested I was headed toward the grave. I tried to contest their comments with an optimistic rebuttal. However, I continually received the sweet pat-on-the-head response reserved for the young, naïve, 20-something guy.

It is no secret aging issues are drastically different for gay men compared to their heterosexual or female counterparts. As gay men, we don’t have to match up with maternal social pressures or necessarily even kickstart our own paternal instincts. The social need to settle down with a family lessens for us. Without these demands, other expectations of age appropriate success can drop from our waysides as well. Therefore we get more opportunities to pursue a more youthful lifestyle for a longer period of time.

But what happens when the actual youth part gets taken out of the adolescent way of life?

I had to turn to some of my older friends to find out what life was like after the big three-oh.

“People act like you have a disease,” one friend told me. “I have had so many guys who were interested in me until they found out my age. Then they just dropped me.”

Many guys have a shared frustration as they age. Some make the claim that older men become less and less popular in the gay community. It is not uncommon for grown men to feel invisible in our very youthful culture. Some guys even dial down their age on social networking websites in order to get more possibilities for connections. Sadly enough, they often claim that this technique of age tweaking works noticeably (until they are later exposed for lying).

Other guys had a different reaction and said their social lives actually had a boost after 30 and even got better over time. Beyond some physical restrictions such as aches, pains and earlier bedtimes, some friends stated that as they aged they felt more active and attractive and were experiencing the best sex lives yet.

A 40-plus friend said, “I get hit on by 20-somethings way more now than I ever did in my 20s or 30s.” His only complaint was that rare and strange moment when a guy might call him “daddy” or “papi” in the heat of the moment.

While no two people are alike, the common thread of life after 30 for gay men seems to split right down the middle. While some men find it socially frustrating, others find it blissful and engaging. Ironically, the issue may not be so much a matter of how other people respond to us, but more how we respond to ourselves.

Our own attitude toward aging may just be the common denominator as to how we finagle between the annoyance and the enjoyment of getting older.

According to another friend, aging to him means having more experiences and qualities: more to laugh about, more friends, more stories, more wisdom, more peace, more patience, more clarity and even more energy. And although he attained those qualities from aging far into his 30s, he now feels that those experiences and attributes have made him feel younger than ever.

Mark Twain once said, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

Younger or older, men do not necessarily have it better or worse than the other. We just shift through different stages in our lives that come with their own sets of issues and concerns.

Youth tends to crave the wisdom of adulthood and adulthood tends to chase the vitality of youth.

The grass can often seem greener on the other side. Since there is nothing we can do to truly alter our real age, perhaps it is a matter of finding the greenest grass on our own side while ignoring any of the brown patches that may be lingering.

When discussing life after 30 with friends from older generations, I am easily reminded of all of the amazing growth I have achieved. What I learned in my 20s shocked me. I can’t fathom what I might learn in my 30s. If something as profound as a sense of self comes with age, I might be excited for my 40s and 50s too.

Because “feeling” attractive is what will keep me comfortable in my own skin.

Even if it is saggy.