A Young Queer’s Case Against Coming Out

“Coming” out is loosely defined as an act of self-disclosing one’s gender identity or sexual preference. I’m not trans, so I’m not going to pretend to know anything about the politics of coming out as trans, so I’ll only talk about the sexual preference aspect. By now, coming out is a rite of passage that all queer teens are expected to participate in, much like prom or “the talk.” Every other day, a new celebrity makes headlines announcing their newfound homosexuality or their radical disavowal of all gender and sexual preference labels altogether! But why?

Coming out of the closet insinuates several things: there is a closet, you are in it if you aren’t straight, and you need to come out of it for people to know you aren’t straight. Straight people are never in the closet because the default sexual preference is assumed to be heterosexuality. We as a culture operate under the assumption of “hetero until proven guilty.” The closet also suggests that homosexuality is still something a young homo would naturally hide, something she would tuck away along with her high-school pictures of pre-braces bucked teeth and pre-Proactiv skin. And unless she gives in and has her Big Gay Quinceanera, her dirty little secret will always be there to haunt her. Or so goes the myth.

Coming out was a terrifying and revolutionary act that’s led to political and social visibility and resulted in the attainment of many civil rights for queer individuals and, depending on your environment, coming out might still be terrifying and revolutionary. However, I think it’s high time for “coming out” to stop being a requirement for a non-heteronormative lifestyle. No one is owed an explanation of your sexuality. You don’t have to make a 10-minute Power Point with detailed diagrams of “how lesbians do it.” Why are people even brainstorming your sexuality? If a person of the opposite sex hits on you, all you have to do is tell them you’re gay and be done with it. Why are we required to stage spectacles and write three-paragraph Facebook statuses about our arduous journey from zero to queero?

Coming out often robs you of privacy that straight people take for granted. How many straight people do you know that routinely get asked things like: When did you know you were straight? Were you always straight? How do you think your straightness affected the rest of your personality? Yesterday you were Regular Joe, today you’re your high school’s very own Gay Oprah.

I’m not proposing feigning heterosexuality — that indeed would be constructing your very own closet — but I am proposing lifting the mandatory requirement of this ritual. Destroying “coming out” does not reduce visibility because queer people will still date and fuck other queer people and do all the same things they’d be doing had they subjected themselves to coming out. This approach would also discourage heteros of very annoyingly assuming everyone is straight unless there’s been a public service announcement. It would also create the opportunity for people to acknowledge the existence of Google, and search things they want to know about queer people on the World Wide Web instead of drowning their nearest young homo with questions like, “How much lube so it doesn’t hurt?” Please. Stop.