A jungle out there: How lesbians and gays find love and dating

While networking sites and apps are gaining momentum, the bars and club scene is still a tried and true method for connecting. “There’s a lot of talk that online sites are putting gay bars out of business as social venues for gay men to meet,” Gonzales said with skepticism.

In fact, these social arenas are still reliable spots for a good time – from niche-specific venues like Wrangler and Eden, to places with widespread appeal like Tracks. But is it because they offer a reliable way to meet potential partners, or just a place to unwind? Uğur Kocataşkin, a Denver- and Boulder-based psychotherapist who has dealt extensively with the LGBT community, says that, more than anything else, clubs and bars offer a means to get away.

“These are places that give LGBT individuals an opportunity to escape the stress and pressure of being gay or lesbian,” Kocataşkin says. “In my experience, these are places where there’s heavy drinking and incredibly high sexual energy. It’s a surreal atmosphere, and people are generally not themselves.”

For Kocataşkin, that kind of escapism comes from the continued frustration the community has with not being able to be open about themselves and their sexuality. “The general perception is that it’s hard to meet people – because of repression, because of the reality that being gay is not accepted in the larger community. It is just not OK to express oneself freely – to go up to someone and, without the aid of alcohol or drugs, express a romantic interest.”

But for some in the lesbian community, social venues are actually more appealing than the online world. Leslie Herod, a project officer for the Gill Foundation, hasn’t yet dabbled in dating sites, and probably won’t for a while. “I’m open to it, but it’s hard to put yourself out there online. It’s intimidating and time-consuming,” she says. Herod prefers to go out – not to clubs, necessarily, but to networking events and social engagements geared specifically toward Denver-area lesbians.

While acknowledging different experiences for different age groups and sub-sets of LGBT culture, Kocataşkin echoes some of Herod’s and Bosworth’s concerns about online networking in the gay community. “While the abundance of gay and lesbian social networking sites do offer a comfort in knowing that there are many individuals in the community, most of them seem to be dedicated to hooking up. This can lead to unhealthy relationships and, in extreme cases, problems like sexual addiction.”

What’s more, the hyper-emphasis on sex and sexuality in the community means that we’re taught early on to believe sex is far more important in the LGBT dating world than in the heterosexual world. “I think that sexuality has become an unnaturally large component of dating,” Kocataşkin explains. “When you hook up with someone, you have minimal conversation about sex, and yet it sounds really exciting. Usually, though, it’s just one experience. After that, people get lonely. We’re not machines that can have sex and be completely satisfied. Sex is a manifestation of intimacy, and we always want more. If it’s just once, we often feel very lonely afterward.”

So what’s the healthy way to go about relationship-building? “The first step is creating a solid relationship with yourself,” Kocataşkin urges. “Examine yourself. Figure out what you like doing. It’s tempting to follow trends and do what everyone else is doing, but be a little counter-cultural. Follow your own path, and try to engage in activities you find valuable or interesting. From there, consider creating groups or joining existing groups based on your interests. There are many in our community – from Denver Gay Professionals to OUT Spokin’.”

Click to view Part II of this feature:
Single and Looking: Local lesbians and gays on love & Dating

The admonition is not, of course, to leave bars and clubs behind or to abandon online dating sites. But rather, to look at them for what they are in the context of your own needs and desires. Going out with friends and dates to a bar is still an important social activity, but it doesn’t really provide the opportunity for conversation and relationship-building that we sometimes think it does. What’s more, it’s not a place where we can express genuine interests and passions.