A Crash Course in Polyamory from a Gay Polyamorous Lyft Passenger

A 90s Kid’s Clumsy Poly Attempts

When I was 9 years old playing The Sims computer game, I tried to make four of my Sims (all of whom were living in the same house) fall in love with each other. I didn’t know what polyamory was, nor that people actually practiced it out in the real world; it just seemed like a fun thing to do. 

The process of romantically bonding my Sims entailed assigning them to go out on dates, making sure they were sitting in booths (to encourage cuddling while they ate), and having them kiss repeatedly. Each of these activities added more juice to the “love bar” hovering above their heads, the progression of which—sometimes slow, sometimes immediate, and other times occurring in fits and starts—entertained me to watch.

At times, I even sought to embroil my Sims in massive love pentagons, hexagons, or even octagons. Very often, though, my attempts bore no fruits. I rarely managed to create a harmonious relationship between three or more individuals, one that bypassed any drama resulting from jealousy. Instead, my efforts most often resulted in an irate Sim ragefully slapping his lover’s lover.

Maybe this was a failure on the part of the Sims creators, to portray the possibility for happy polyamorous groupings. Maybe rather than achieving this, they instead perpetuated the stereotype that the poly life alway breeds jealousy, debauchery, and heartbreak.

Or maybe I was the one at fault. If that was the case, back then, I could have used the expertise of Lyft passenger *Shane for some advice on making it work.

Meeting Shane

A white picket fence surrounded the front lawn of the two-story Victorian, which Shane was painting when I pulled over next to the curb to pick him up. Dressed in a white tank top and cargo pants, skin bronzed from working out under sun, he waved to me using his free hand. Two older men stood at the halfway-opened front door. After dropping the brush back into the paint bucket, Shane ran up to them for a quick goodbye peck.

“Howdy,” he said to me as he got into the car.

Turning my head to greet him, I got a better look at him. Streaks of dirty blond speckled his brown goatee like fools’ gold against damp tan-bark. A tattoo on his tanned left bicep pays homage to French bulldogs.

During our ride, Shane spoke with ease and assuredness about his current romantic status, explaining that both Reza* and Ramon* were married to one another while also in a relationship with him.

He described Reza as the well-read and cultured force who exposed the other two to foreign films and NPR. His was the wise, grounding presence in contrast to Ramon’s active, passionate one (despite his lag in five years).

Ramon’s energy complemented and enriched Reza’s quieter cerebral nature.

“He constantly plans hikes for the three of us,” Shane tells me as he ran his hands through a head of hair that resembled a cross between the plush fur of a bunny and the sun-kissed quills of a tanning porcupine.

“I tried spelunking for the first time thanks to him—we canoed through caves in Costa Rica after Ramon took the initiative to plan it.”

The positives of polyamory

Before talking to Shane, I’d met other people who practiced polyamory, or “the philosophy or state of being romantically involved with more than one person at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved” (Wikipedia).  Among them were a British housemate in San Francisco who studied Chinese medicine (and, memorably, kept a sex chair in our living room), and a queer friend from college.

Our ride was the first time, however, that I’d talked to someone involved in a mutually loving triad. The episode of Bojack Horseman wherein Bojack’s daughter matter-of-factly shares that she had been raised by “eight gay men in a polyamorous relationship with one another”—basically Shane’s relationship with Reza and Ramon multiplied by 2.6667—would not enter my radar until eight months later.

That said, I learned a bit during our ride.

“Polifidelity” is the term for the arrangement Shane is a part of. Need Burton in the Psychology Today article “Polyamory: A New Way of Loving?” wrote that it “refers to a closed polyamorous relationship in which the parties agree to restrict themselves to one another, rather than take outside lovers.”

 Through the experience, Shane had unearthed some of the positive aspects of polyamory that in his opinion, society often doesn’t bring attention to. One was that he felt less pressure. As Burton wrote, “Polyamory recognizes that some people’s relational needs are best met by more than one person, and, conversely, relieves the pressure of having to meet all of another person’s needs. By creating more space around a relationship, it can breathe new life into the relationship.”

 Communication in polyamorous relationships also tends to be strong: “The couples that I consider the happiest— mostly gay men who opened up their relationships decades ago,” wrote Ephi Stempler in NY Times’ “Modern Love,” “are not lovers as much as best friends. They know who should do the cooking and the dishwashing. They talk about their latest flings and support each other’s biggest dreams. They get over fights fast and give each other prodigious amounts of space.”

Still, Shane didn’t jump into this lifestyle full speed ahead without looking back. It took him time to warm up to it.

“I know it’s unconventional,” he acknowledged. “It took a while for me to grow comfortable with. I’d internalized society’s negative attitudes towards it.” As Burton writes, “despite its ethical dimensions, polyamory is more stigmatized than cheating.”

 I wondered why this might be. Perhaps people don’t view cheating as a conscious decision, but rather, more a momentary slip-up or failure to regulate a harmful impulse on a single occasion—whereas polyamory is viewed as an ongoing poor moral choice, thus more deserving of condemnation according to its critics.

 Shane felt more comfortable with grey areas after having taken part in this relationship model for a while. He found himself beginning to engage in constant dialogue with his feelings. He was more adept at tuning in both to his internal workings and to the effect his behavior had on others.

Though he and his lovers don’t fight often, Shane said that when disagreements do arise, they almost always remains civil.

 “I’ve learned so much even just from hearing them interact with each other. Watching them gives me a template to follow in my own interactions—both with them and with close friends outside of the relationship.”

 This was important for Shane. His last relationship had felt more like a tug-of-war between two distinct individuals than a communal space wherein both worked together as a team.

“I saw relationships as two people taking turns gratifying each other’s needs and hogging the limelight. Each person vying for their own self-interest. Accepting the attention ball, hoarding it, gorging on it, then passing it back begrudgingly when their turn was up. Rarely if ever meeting in the middle.”

Choosing what works

As a kid I likely wasn’t yet educated enough about the communication skills and delicate yet vulnerable approach that allows polyamory to thrive. I was unaware of the abundance (as opposed to scarcity) mindset that keeps its fire burning. As a result, drama and chaos ensued amongst my polyamorous Sims. Hearts were broken. Jealousy erupted. 

Even though I couldn’t make it work for my Sims, some people can and do make polyamory work for their own real-life relationships.

“Measure after measure, it’s the same,” wrote Robert Sapolsky in his book Behave. “We aren’t classically monogamous or polygamous. As everyone from poets to divorce attorneys can attest, we are by nature profoundly confused—mildly polygynous, floating somewhere in between.”

Look to the animal world, and you’ll see examples that support both relationship styles. Bonobos and penguins mate for life. Elephant seals, spotted hyenas, gorillas, house wrens, and Bengal tigers take on multiple sexual partners. Can we really argue that one is “natural,” and the other isn’t?

Above all, I think what’s most important is that every person does what works for them. For many, what works might be a traditional monogamous relationship. For others though, a less conventional model may be what leads to the most fulfillment.

As author David Richo wrote: “The issue for a healthy adult is not which choice she makes but whether it reflects her true desires and is carried out with integrity.”

*Names changed to protect confidentiality.