A brew for any occasion

A gay man’s favorite drink may be a vodka-cran, but there’s no denying the potency – or variety – of beer. As Gov. John Hickenlooper unbiasedly stated at the 2011 Great American Beer Festival, “Colorado is the Napa Valley of beer.” Just the same, microbrews all over this country have a place on our palates, and there is a brew out there for every situation or occasion you can imagine. Sample these 10 and pick out your own standbys – you may just stop ordering that vodka-cran and reach for a bottled brew instead.

“The Aphrodisiac”
Goose Island Bourbon County
Coffee Stout, 13% ABV
Tender lovin’ needs no better lubricant than this chocolate-rich, coffee-tinged creation. If it could sing, it would serenade like Luther Vandross, smooth and buttery. A rustic note of smokiness and leather only adds to the allure, subtlety setting the mood. Don’t try pairing this with anything – the Casanova of beers doesn’t like company.

“The Desperate Date”
Nebraska Brewing Co.
Mélange à Trois, 10%ABV
This is a beer for wine lovers and it treads lightly, if only because it’s not quite sure of itself – a bit of Chardonnay lingers from oak barrel aging, but really, this is all beer. Not bold, like you might be if you had picked someone in your own league to date, but impressive enough to hold your date’s attention. Serve it in a wine glass and pretend the citrus overtones are apt pairs with your Stouffer’s lasagna.

“The Morning After”
Haymarket Pilsner, 5.80%ABV
Reality sets in, and not lightly. Hops jump out at you as images of the night before come flooding back. You wish there was some sweetness to relish, some redemption, but it’s all bald truth and no reprieve. It smarts, like a whip to the tongue, but somehow skips the guilt and makes you feel accomplished. It doesn’t matter who’s laying in your bed, you think. Not that you can remember who it is anyway.

“The Cocktail King”
TAPS Fish House & Brewery
Belgian White, 5%ABV
Effervescent, like the company you keep, the TAPS White taps out its own tune, floating on your tongue like so many fake laughs and deeply sarcastic aphorisms. Toast worthy as Champagne, it is both bitchy and rejuvenating, running from coriander to lemon peel and back again. It’s light, but seductive – the perfectly brazen wingman for an evening on the town.

“The Fabulous Fall”
Upslope Pumpkin Ale, 7.3%ABV
You can smell snow, which means it’s fall already and time for skiing, holidays and a chocolatey indulgence that still plays on summer. Lemon trickles in where you’d least expect, and after several sips beneath a turning Aspen, you taste a bitter Christmas. It is an odd surprise – like grandparents’ presents opened Christmas morning – when you learn that pumpkin isn’t there at all. Confusing, but delicious.

“The Avenger”
The Abbey Beverage Co.
Monks’ Ales Wit, 5.10%ABV
It smiles at you, knowingly, with some conspiracy in the mix. Sure enough, you can smell the sour deceit in the air, and on the palate it kicks you where you’d least expect: the sweetness of lemonade turned sour, the sugar long gone. And all this retribution from those you’d least expect – monks. Best to chase it with a slice of cheesecake and reruns of Touched by an Angel for comfort.

“The Workaholic”
Rahr & Sons Gravel Road, 7.25% ABV
Nevermind a car careening down a wobbly road; this beer barely stays afloat like a bicycle coursing up a loose stone path. It’s bitter, like the undercurrent of the office, but smells of chocolate like the joy of paycheck Fridays. Day-old coffee sits in the break room, just as this beer does on the tip of your tongue. Enjoy with mountain men and hunting dogs – and perhaps John Denver’s Greatest Hits.

“The Proud Host”
Pagosa Brewing Co. Pale Ale, 5.5%ABV
The party, as you know it, is set by fine European cheeses – not kegs and beer pong. Pairing with your bleus and Gouda is critical, and finds you sweating fiercely in one corner of Applejacks until, at the very last moment, the idea dawns on you: a golden, near-sweet, desperately needy beer that leans on rich desserts and creamy appetizers. On its own, however, it’s a hot mess.

“The Fireplace Cuddler”
St. Arnold Oktoberfest, 6%ABV
Seasonal and scrumptious, like the best of spooning, it saddles up to a chorus of flames and warms the cockles of the heart. Sweet and nutty like chestnuts roasting on an open fire, it is an innocent encourager of cuddling-turned-sex. Nevermind how little it shares, or why it carries on with all that Cupid-esque prodding and poking – just be in the moment, and settle into the rich embrace.

“The Sugar Daddy Seducer”
New Holland Charkoota Rye, 8.17% ABV
Skimp and suave without apology, he is contrary enough to be interesting and agreeable enough to be lusted after. A singe of sour retreats in time for smokiness and refined leather, a complex character with everything said just right. It’s a wonder he’s single, you think, but you follow on through dinner until without knowing how, you end up in bed beside an applewood-fed fire. Probably wrong, but a beer this persuasive deserves your utmost attention.