Pre-Cheating is a player’s game

Dear Brent,

I started posting profiles on gay networking and hookup sites about a year ago and told my partner that I was using them to chat with old friends and meet new people. I started meeting some of these guys for coffee or lunch during the day, but it progressed to hooking up with some. I love my partner, but he would break up with me if he found out. I enjoy these daytime hookups, but don’t want to end my relationship.

It can suck when the brain in the penis takes over the brain that lives in our other head. Cheating is cheating regardless of how much you love your partner or want to stay in the relationship. That being said, your situation brings up some other questions. I’m curious whether your initial intention in posting on these sites was solely based on making friendships.

Don’t get me wrong; many have forged strong friendships after meeting online, and it can be used for much more than just hooking up for sex. An online presence is a fantastic way to market yourself for hooking up, for activity partners or new friends. Sometimes it’s all of the above.

Do some soul searching to figure out why you began posting profiles. Were you looking for some kind of excitement or fulfillment that you weren’t getting in your relationship?

It is easy to fall into something called “pre-cheating.” This is where you start dipping your big toe in the pool to check the temperature before diving into the water. For some, this is a seemingly non-threatening way to start checking out who else is out there and if they would be interested in you without leaving the safety of a relationship. But there is not much of a leap between a little sexy talk online to wanting more exciting physical contact. The more sexual the conversations, the more potential there is that your actions turn into cheating. Being turned on by hot talk is normal, but having an active fantasy can cause desires to increase and set you up to get in trouble.

If you are pursuing these opportunities and it is not within the boundaries of your relationship, you may want to take a hard look about what your true intention is and what you are doing. Some people try to supplement parts of their relationships that aren’t working, instead of putting the effort into fixing these. In healthy, balanced relationships, both partners are getting what they want physically, sexually, emotionally and socially. Of course it is unrealistic to think that one person can be completely fulfilling to someone in all areas. What do you need to feel fulfilled?

So, here is an interesting question. Is there a possibility that your partner may be interested in messing around with other people as well? I’m assuming, by the language in your question, you haven’t discussed modifying your relationship to allow for you both to hook up with other people.

Relationships change over time in various ways. People find new interests and passions. Things can get boring. We evolve beyond where we were years before. There is nothing philosophically wrong with wanting to be sexual with multiple people as long as honesty exists between all parties involved. Maybe this kind of contact is something you can share with your partner, together or separately. Adding new sexual elements isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

But at this point, your actions are absolutely selfish. You are maintaining the appearance of monogamy with your partner and friends while getting your rocks off with someone else. Not only are you disrespecting your partner and the relationship, but also denying your partner the opportunity to make some choices for himself, including whether he wants to re-evaluate relationship boundaries.
It sounds like you have a potentially-difficult conversation ahead of you. Good luck!

Brent Heinze, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor. Send questions and comments to PerspectiveShift@yahoo.com.